An angst fest ;D. I love me a good angst fest
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DISCLAIMER - This story is fictional and in no way reflects the actions or day to day activites of the characters involved. In other words..ITS MADE UP!He sat outside in his car for ages, trying to summon the courage to go inside. The last words he said to her echoed in his ears and he couldn’t leave things as they were. He couldn’t deny his feelings any longer. He had to tell her. He had to tell her he loved her…tonight….4 months earlier.Part 3Eloise didn’t bother turning on any lights. She threw herself onto the lounge and cried uncontrollably.
Exhausted she looked over at the clock. It was only 2 am. The year was only 2 hours old and already it was turning out to be a nightmare.
She managed to get herself together. She hated crying…it gave her a headache. There was only one thing that would make her feel normal again. She hurriedly reached for a cigarette and went out onto the balcony.
She inhaled deeply as she slouched back in the chair and closed her eyes. The shame she felt hadn’t abated any, and her heart began racing when her phone rang.
It was Joe.
She froze when she saw his name light up the screen. She stared at it, panicked, her mind racing.
“I can’t face him….I can’t,” she m uttered manically to herself as she puffed on her cigarette. Finally it stopped but then a message came through.
“El I’m sorry. I need to see you. Joe” it said.
“Oh God I can’t see him…not tonight,” she shrieked to no one.
She contemplated her next move. Maybe ringing him would be the best option. She couldn’t handle looking into his eyes….knowing what she had done.
She took a deep breath to prepare herself and dialled his number. He answered immediately which irritated her. She would have liked a few rings to steady herself.
“I’m so sorry Eloise,” he began immediately, “I was only thinking about myself and I know I was selfish and unreasonable.”
He was greeted with silence. The sound of his voice affected her more than she thought and she had to struggle to hold in the tears once again.
“El are you there,” he asked apprehensively.
She quickly had to pull herself together.
“Yeah...yeah I’m here,” she answered.
“I really want to come and see you,” he said, “where are you?”
She wasn’t about to let that happen.
“I’m at home Joe and I’m just about to go to bed. I really don’t feel that great
to be honest,” she told him uncomfortably.
“Oh,” he said disappointed, “you’re still angry aren’t you. I don’t blame you…but I can come over and stay the night. I’ll definitely make it up to you.”
She knew exactly what he was suggesting and it made her cringe. There was no way she could be with him tonight…not after just being with James.
“No,” she answered way too quickly, “I mean…I’m really not angry anymore. I just want to go to sleep…that’s all. I’ll see you tomorrow OK.”
“If that’s what you want,” he sighed disappointed, “but I missed not being with you at midnight. It felt wrong not having you with me. Did you miss me?”
Her heart nearly stopped when he asked her that. You don’t want me to answer, she said to herself, but she knew she had to give him what he wanted to hear.
“Of course I did Joe,” she said trying to be convincing, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow ok.”
She disconnected before he got a chance to add anything else. She rubbed her head with her fingers but the phone rang again. She answered without looking, assuming it to be Joe once again.
“Look Joe I really am tired. I promise I’ll see you tomorrow…” she began.
“It’s me,” James interrupted her spiel.
“James,” she said surprised, “what are you doing? Where’s Caitlin?”
“Asleep,” he said in a low voice, “she’s wasted. I need to see you. Are you at home?”
“Yes I’m home…but I don’t think it’s a good idea…I mean…” she stammered.
“I’ll be there in 5 minutes,” he said, ignoring her protest before he disconnected.
He pulled up outside her house in less than 5 minutes and he looked up at her on the balcony.
“Is the front door open?” he asked gently.
She nodded as she leant over the balcony and waited for him to come up.
She looked up at him sadly as he went out to her and sat in the chair. He pulled it around in front of her so they were sitting closely, directly opposite each other.
All thoughts of Joe disappeared as she looked at James. She couldn’t help but think of the magic they created together and her whole body began to tingle at the sight of him.
“I’m so sorry I left you so abruptly, but if Caitlin caught us she would have made our lives hell.”
“Do you blame her,” she said looking at him guiltily.
“Are you ok?” he asked, almost whispering.
“Not really,” she said teary eyed, shaking her head, “what are we going to do?”
He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes.
“What we shouldn’t do is panic,” he said.
“James…we just had sex in our boss’s guest house with your girlfriend outside. And we weren’t even drunk. I think it’s a perfect time to panic,” she said incredulously.
“Don’t say it like that Eloise. You are making it sound…cheap…and it wasn’t…not for me,” he said not liking how she had put it.
She could see the confusion and hurt in his eyes.
“James,” she said, softly stroking his arms, “what we shared was absolutely amazing and beautiful and I’ll never forget it…”
“It was outrageously amazing,” he interrupted, “and I’ll never forget it either.”
“But,” she continued, “that doesn’t make it any less wrong. It was a mistake.”
For him it wasn’t a mistake. To him everything about it felt right.
“Was it?” he said questioningly.
These simple 2 words surprised her…and scared her.
“James…do you love Caitlin?” she asked apprehensively.
He was surprised at her question but decided he could only be honest with her.
“I thought I did once…but now…well I realized tonight that she’s not the one I want to be with. I realized when I didn’t feel as guilty as I perhaps should have, and even though she was the one I betrayed in the worst possible way…you were the one I couldn’t stop thinking about.
She looked at him with tears in her eyes and she didn’t know what to say to him.
“Do you love Joe?” he continued.
She looked away from him nervously.
“He loves me,” she finally answered.
“That’s not what I asked,” he persisted.
“He’s been good to me and he doesn’t deserve this,” she continued.
“Well I will assume from your complete avoidance of the question that it’s a no.”
“James,” she sighed, “I certainly don’t feel the same way as I once did, especially since we have become so close over the last few months…but we both know the situation is impossible,” she gently argued.
“So are you telling me that you haven’t wanted it to happen?” he was becoming frustrated now.
“I’m telling you that we let something happen that shouldn’t have happened. We both have partners, and we both are seriously against dating people we work with, not to mention the fact that we would never work. We would kill each other.”
“That’s probably true, but you didn’t answer my question…again,” he said, his frustration spiralling out of control.
What does he expect me to say; she said to herself, I can’t tell him how I really feel.
“What’s the point? Does it really matter what I want. What matters is that we don’t let it happen again,” she said in an agitated tone.
“But I want to know how you feel about us…not what you think you should be feeling,” he said, beginning to raise his voice.
As she stared at him the full realization of her predicament hit home…the full realization of how much their relationship had changed, how much they had shared together, and just how deeply her feelings for him ran.
A feeling of hopelessness washed over her as they continued to stare at each other in silence.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she said quietly, her gaze never leaving his.
He searched her eyes intensely, trying to figure out what she meant.
“Can’t do what,” he asked in bewilderment.
“This,” she said waving her arms around, “I can’t be around you.”
“Well that’s going to be a bit difficult Eloise,” he said confused.
“Not if I quit it’s not. I can’t just carry on day in day out like nothing has happened…I just can’t.”
“You are being ridiculous,” he said with a blank expression.
“Am I? How are we going to carry on like nothing has changed? It’s going to be impossible.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Eloise,” he said softly, “I know everything has become…well…complicated…to say the least…but there is no need for drastic action like that.”
“What so you can front up to work in a few weeks time and pretend nothing happened…pretend we didn’t make love?” she asked him.
“Somehow we’ll deal with it...we will,” he said desperately, “just stop saying these stupid things.”
“But how? Neither of us can deny the attraction between us anymore. That’s not going to go away, and if we have to spend all day every day together…well it’s going to be torture.”
“It’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard,” he spat at her, “and you would never do it. You can’t just walk away in the middle of the storyline we have…that’s selfish.”
“It’s hardly selfish…it’s what’s best for both of us,” she said, the idea making more and more sense to her as the seconds ticked by.
“You wouldn’t,” he said incredulously.
“Watch me,” she challenged.
“You would quit just to spite me?” he asked her shocked.
“No,” she moaned, “you don’t get it. I can’t be around you…ok. Every time I’m around you I am going to want to…” she trailed off.
“What?” he interrupted forcefully.
“It’s going to remind me of tonight…and every time I see you, every time I kiss you, I’m going to want more,” she admitted choking up with tears.
Finally he understood. She wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her.
He moved towards her and rested his hands on her thighs, letting his forehead rest against hers.
“Don’t,” she whispered unconvincingly, not moving away.
“Sssshhhh,” he said and kissed her lips so softly it sent a shiver through her.
He pulled away slightly and smiled at her gently.
“We can be together; we don’t have to tell anyone. If we want it badly enough we can make it work,” he whispered as he ran his fingers across her lips.
She closed her eyes and wished she could let herself give in to him, give in to her feelings…but she couldn’t.
“I can’t live like that James. I can’t sneak around….its not in me. I’m seeing out the contract and that’s it.”
He looked at her blankly.
“I don’t believe you. I don’t believe that’s how you honestly feel or what you want,” he challenged in a raised voice.
His intense scrutiny was sending her into a panic and she wished he had never come over now...it was all getting too much for her and her already frayed nerves were at breaking point. Before she knew it she exploded at him.
“You want to know how I feel right now…well I’ll tell you. I wish I had never gone into that fucking guest house, I wish you hadn’t followed me down there, and I wish that the whole frigging thing never happened.”
That familiar anger that used to lace their every conversation was now suddenly back with a vengeance.
“Is that right,” he said venomously, “If I recall it was
you who dragged
me to the bedroom,”
“Well if I recall it was
you who undressed
me first,” she bit back.
“Well
you said you wanted to kiss
me,” he scoffed.
“Excuse me…
you said it first,” she accused him gob smacked, “and you said you were leaving. Why didn’t you just leave…then we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“Yeah I probably should have left,” he yelled, “but I didn’t hear you putting up too much of a fight.”
“Well I can promise you that if I had my time over I certainly would have,” she said storming inside.
“And I can promise you that if I had my time over I would never have even gone down to that stupid guest house,” he shouted bitterly as he followed her.
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Good,” she spat wheeling around to face him, “and you know what… if I had my time over I would never have taken this fucking job.”
“You’re not the only one,” he growled through clenched teeth.
They glared at each other in the darkness, both of them fuming. They had completely reverted to the way they behaved towards each other when they first met.
“Get out then,” she shrieked flinging the door open.
“Fine,” he screamed back as he stormed towards the door, “I cannot believe that I thought we could be together. What a fucking idiot I am. Actually I should thank you…you have saved me from a whole heap of misery.”
“Well you won’t have to put up with me for much longer, and I can’t believe that I threw all my morals out the window tonight for a cheap thrill,” she hissed back.
She immediately regretted saying it.
Her words stung him and she could see the hurt in his eyes.
He took a step towards her, his expression icy cold.
“And I can’t believe I thought tonight was something special…that we could be something special. Now I wish I had never met you,” he whispered resentfully as his eyes bore a hole through hers.
He turned and walked out the door, slamming it after him.
His words left her reeling. I didn’t mean it…it was special, she sobbed quietly to herself.
She heard him speed off down the road. She sat down on the lounge, feeling empty...numb.
She heard a car pull up outside and she hoped it wasn’t James returning, or Joe coming over. She couldn’t face either of them, but she was relieved to see Millie burst through the door… a picture of fun and happiness.
“Hey,” she squealed racing over and giving Eloise a hug, “happy new year. So did you see 2009 in with a bang?”
Eloise nearly choked, but instead of appreciating her unfortunate choice of words it set her off once again and she burst into tears.
“Oh dear…what on earth happened,” Millie said rubbing her back, trying to calm her down.
“Oh Millie…I’ve done something terrible. I’ll never forgive myself,” she sobbed.
“Hey it can’t be that bad...you haven’t killed anyone…you haven’t borrowed my clothes without asking…or have you?” she teased trying to raise a smile from her.
It didn’t work.
“James and I slept together tonight…at the party,” Eloise blurted out, like sharing the secret would somehow banish her guilt.
“Oh,” Millie said stunned. She knew how close they had become and of the attraction they felt for each other…but she was surprised that they let things go that far.
“How am I ever going to face Joe Millie…and James and I just had a huge fight…I said the worst thing to him…everything is a complete mess,” she said hysterically.
“Firstly you have to calm down Eloise. I think you need a good nights sleep. Maybe your feelings will be clearer in the morning. Your mind will be clearer and you can make some decisions,” Millie said gently.
“I have already made one decision. I’m leaving the show in April. I can’t stay on there. I can’t keep working with him everyday,” Eloise sniffed, “and he hates me now.”
“I am quite sure he doesn’t,” Millie said comfortingly.
“But I was so awful to him Millie…what I said…and the look in his eyes. I hurt him so badly,” she explained.
“I am sure he knows how upset you are. You just need to talk to him…tell him how you feel,” Millie said gently.
“I can’t tell him how I really feel...because it’s bigger than what happened between us tonight. I’ve been trying so desperately to fight it and I can’t anymore….that’s why I have to leave,” she sighed.
“What do you mean?” Millie pressed further.
Eloise sighed loudly in defeat.
“I love him…I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone. That’s why I need to get away from him…the sooner the better.”
Tbc……
DISCLAIMER - This story is fictional and in no way reflects the actions or day to day activites of the characters involved. In other words..ITS MADE UP!
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