Post by Han on Sept 13, 2009 10:21:23 GMT
A one shot, short fan fic about Declan in the days after Bridget's death. I wrote it a few weeks before it happened on Aussie screens and just found it when going through my files today. The song is 'Pictures of You' by The Cure which has also been covered by Angie Hart.
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
Only days have passed but I miss you already. I can’t look at her without seeing you, her eyes bring tears to my own. I feel weak, constantly sick. I don’t want to wake up each morning, I’d rather sleep, just sleep through the years until we will be reunited again. Everything in my room reminds me of you, of us. A painful memory. The images of us, smiling, looking so happy. I’ll never feel that same emotion again. Never.
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering you running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage to let it all go
Those last few hours together I will never forget. You gave it all to get her out of danger, and placed yourself in even more. That night was so cruel. The site was a wreck. Metal and plastic shards surrounded the car. It should never have happened. I want to blame someone but who? My stomach churns whenever I remember it. The initial silence, then the screams coming from Indi. How someone so little could scream that loud I don’t know. Then your cries of help, to get her out. You tried so hard, you hung on for your life, and for that I am grateful but now I no longer have you.
Remembering you falling into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white so delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
Why you? Why us? We were so happy, you, me and Indi. We had it all planned. Once school was over, I’d be a full time father and you’d do wonders at medical school. It would be tough, but we would make it work. I didn’t want anyone around. I just needed you, just wanted you. I didn’t want to hear the truth, I didn’t want to believe what they told me. You were still there, you’d always be there. One minute you we were holding hands, kissing lips, the next you were lying there, lifeless. Each morning I wake and expect you to be there, lying next to me, but you’re not. And you never will be.
If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
I almost didn’t go to say goodbye. How could I? All those people there, wearing black, telling your Mum and Dad they were sorry for their loss, but you were my loss. Not even married for a month. But I went. I put on a brave face. It didn’t last long. We weren’t even in the church yet and the tears began. ‘What am I going to do?’ I asked Mum. She couldn’t answer me. Walking down the isle of the church, the beautiful church where we’d wedded weeks earlier, people turned their heads to look.
I couldn’t hear anything, but I knew what they were saying. ‘Poor boy, such a tragedy to lose your love so young.’ It almost didn’t end that way. Your parents didn’t want a service, but I fought. You fell in love with that church the moment your gorgeous eyes on it, so it made sense, to me anyway. Mum and I sat up front, with your parents. The gang behind us, and then hundreds of other people, most of whom I didn’t know filled the other pews. People from Oakey, from the football club, the surgery. My only wish was that you were there, to see how many people love you. I wanted to give a eulogy, I hope you know I did. But I couldn’t. I’d written out things hundreds of times, but nothing felt right. I couldn’t express our love in words, it wasn’t possible.
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
The photos of when you were younger made me laugh. Not anymore. My favourite, the one when you were ten, your mass of brown curls falling over your face, your face covered with chocolate icing from your birthday cake, your brother in the background. They put this one up the front of the church, as well as the one of you and I on our wedding day. I made sure that they had one of you, me and India. Not the one that Donna took minutes after you gave birth, no you are worth more than that. The one where she is smiling, her small fingers griping our fingers. The one where, for the first time in my life, I thought nothing would ever separate us. How naive I was.
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you
The few short years I knew you were the best few I’ll ever have. Pictures are one form of memory but those in my head and heart are the ones that will stay with me forever. And India, she will be forever a memory of you. Life must go on but I will never get over our love. No other girl is for me. You will always be my one and only love. It hurts me to say that though, but our love will never die. The ring on my finger will never come off – we will always be a family. Until I see you, stay strong for me and India and we will stay strong for you.
Why? It should be a simple enough question to answer, but it’s not. I can sit there for hours on end, playing out different scenarios in my head, what if this happened, what if this didn’t. Would it be different? Would she still be here? I’ve given up trying to answer ‘why?’ but I need closure. The times I’ve asked myself this, I’ve ended up exhausted, weak, eyes red and dry, no tears left, and a headache to conclude. It’s just like trying to find the start and finish of a circle, just keep going around and around and around. Our love was like that, constant, never ending. But now, it has ended.
Why wasn’t I in the car with you? I ask myself that everyday too. Had I been there, would it have turned out differently? We might still be together, either where I am now, or wherever you are. I shouldn’t think that way though, this has happened for a reason, a sick reason, but we must get on with our lives. I have little India to care for now but I can’t. I’m a terrible father.
She spent days in hospital after the accident. You were only there for three of them, but to have both my loves hanging on for dear life, it made me feel so helpless. When they said she was strong enough to come home, I didn’t want to take her. When we took India home after she was born, I sat in the back of the car, making sure she was OK. You told me to stop worrying, that there would be plenty of time to worry about her over the years; scraped knees, lost teeth, her first broken heart. I can’t look at her without seeing you. India has your eyes and she’ll have your hair. I can tell. She’s taken my smile though; she actually has. I haven’t had felt happy since you left me. That’s why I can’t look after India. She hurts me too much. For the next few years it won’t matter, but come the time when she is in primary school, how will she feel on Mother’s Day each year, at the breakfasts or special days they hold? What about when she asks where you are? How will I be able to tell her that mummy died? I won’t. I can’t.
Mum says I need to talk. Everyone says that. People talk, they try to make me feel better but I will never feel better. Each day, I feel empty. Trying to forget about it, about you, makes me feel sicker. Life is cruel – it makes me not want to go on. What else could happen to me? I’m starting to think that love and I are destined to repel. I was born due to rape. My father was abusive. I never knew my brother until only years ago. I grew up living in fear. The only person I could trust, who I loved and who loved me back was my mum, until I met you. Then things changed. Mum had to share me. She hated that. But I didn’t, because I had you, and you had me. Then things turned for the worst, and now I am here, without any love.
These memoirs I’ll write whenever I want to feel close to you, which will be often. I’ve been told to write this, by Dan. He said it will help me, but that’s not why I am doing so. I’m doing it because I want you to know I still think about you, everyday. Every waking minute of everyday. I dream about you too. Below is the death notice I placed in the paper. Hope you are safe.
NAPIER (Parker) – Bridget. Cruelly taken from our life too early on July 22nd 2009, aged 18 years. Loving mother to India and wife to Declan. We are so much better together than apart. Life will never be the same. Always with you, Dec and India.
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
Only days have passed but I miss you already. I can’t look at her without seeing you, her eyes bring tears to my own. I feel weak, constantly sick. I don’t want to wake up each morning, I’d rather sleep, just sleep through the years until we will be reunited again. Everything in my room reminds me of you, of us. A painful memory. The images of us, smiling, looking so happy. I’ll never feel that same emotion again. Never.
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering you running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage to let it all go
Those last few hours together I will never forget. You gave it all to get her out of danger, and placed yourself in even more. That night was so cruel. The site was a wreck. Metal and plastic shards surrounded the car. It should never have happened. I want to blame someone but who? My stomach churns whenever I remember it. The initial silence, then the screams coming from Indi. How someone so little could scream that loud I don’t know. Then your cries of help, to get her out. You tried so hard, you hung on for your life, and for that I am grateful but now I no longer have you.
Remembering you falling into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white so delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
Why you? Why us? We were so happy, you, me and Indi. We had it all planned. Once school was over, I’d be a full time father and you’d do wonders at medical school. It would be tough, but we would make it work. I didn’t want anyone around. I just needed you, just wanted you. I didn’t want to hear the truth, I didn’t want to believe what they told me. You were still there, you’d always be there. One minute you we were holding hands, kissing lips, the next you were lying there, lifeless. Each morning I wake and expect you to be there, lying next to me, but you’re not. And you never will be.
If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
I almost didn’t go to say goodbye. How could I? All those people there, wearing black, telling your Mum and Dad they were sorry for their loss, but you were my loss. Not even married for a month. But I went. I put on a brave face. It didn’t last long. We weren’t even in the church yet and the tears began. ‘What am I going to do?’ I asked Mum. She couldn’t answer me. Walking down the isle of the church, the beautiful church where we’d wedded weeks earlier, people turned their heads to look.
I couldn’t hear anything, but I knew what they were saying. ‘Poor boy, such a tragedy to lose your love so young.’ It almost didn’t end that way. Your parents didn’t want a service, but I fought. You fell in love with that church the moment your gorgeous eyes on it, so it made sense, to me anyway. Mum and I sat up front, with your parents. The gang behind us, and then hundreds of other people, most of whom I didn’t know filled the other pews. People from Oakey, from the football club, the surgery. My only wish was that you were there, to see how many people love you. I wanted to give a eulogy, I hope you know I did. But I couldn’t. I’d written out things hundreds of times, but nothing felt right. I couldn’t express our love in words, it wasn’t possible.
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
The photos of when you were younger made me laugh. Not anymore. My favourite, the one when you were ten, your mass of brown curls falling over your face, your face covered with chocolate icing from your birthday cake, your brother in the background. They put this one up the front of the church, as well as the one of you and I on our wedding day. I made sure that they had one of you, me and India. Not the one that Donna took minutes after you gave birth, no you are worth more than that. The one where she is smiling, her small fingers griping our fingers. The one where, for the first time in my life, I thought nothing would ever separate us. How naive I was.
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you
The few short years I knew you were the best few I’ll ever have. Pictures are one form of memory but those in my head and heart are the ones that will stay with me forever. And India, she will be forever a memory of you. Life must go on but I will never get over our love. No other girl is for me. You will always be my one and only love. It hurts me to say that though, but our love will never die. The ring on my finger will never come off – we will always be a family. Until I see you, stay strong for me and India and we will stay strong for you.
Why? It should be a simple enough question to answer, but it’s not. I can sit there for hours on end, playing out different scenarios in my head, what if this happened, what if this didn’t. Would it be different? Would she still be here? I’ve given up trying to answer ‘why?’ but I need closure. The times I’ve asked myself this, I’ve ended up exhausted, weak, eyes red and dry, no tears left, and a headache to conclude. It’s just like trying to find the start and finish of a circle, just keep going around and around and around. Our love was like that, constant, never ending. But now, it has ended.
Why wasn’t I in the car with you? I ask myself that everyday too. Had I been there, would it have turned out differently? We might still be together, either where I am now, or wherever you are. I shouldn’t think that way though, this has happened for a reason, a sick reason, but we must get on with our lives. I have little India to care for now but I can’t. I’m a terrible father.
She spent days in hospital after the accident. You were only there for three of them, but to have both my loves hanging on for dear life, it made me feel so helpless. When they said she was strong enough to come home, I didn’t want to take her. When we took India home after she was born, I sat in the back of the car, making sure she was OK. You told me to stop worrying, that there would be plenty of time to worry about her over the years; scraped knees, lost teeth, her first broken heart. I can’t look at her without seeing you. India has your eyes and she’ll have your hair. I can tell. She’s taken my smile though; she actually has. I haven’t had felt happy since you left me. That’s why I can’t look after India. She hurts me too much. For the next few years it won’t matter, but come the time when she is in primary school, how will she feel on Mother’s Day each year, at the breakfasts or special days they hold? What about when she asks where you are? How will I be able to tell her that mummy died? I won’t. I can’t.
Mum says I need to talk. Everyone says that. People talk, they try to make me feel better but I will never feel better. Each day, I feel empty. Trying to forget about it, about you, makes me feel sicker. Life is cruel – it makes me not want to go on. What else could happen to me? I’m starting to think that love and I are destined to repel. I was born due to rape. My father was abusive. I never knew my brother until only years ago. I grew up living in fear. The only person I could trust, who I loved and who loved me back was my mum, until I met you. Then things changed. Mum had to share me. She hated that. But I didn’t, because I had you, and you had me. Then things turned for the worst, and now I am here, without any love.
These memoirs I’ll write whenever I want to feel close to you, which will be often. I’ve been told to write this, by Dan. He said it will help me, but that’s not why I am doing so. I’m doing it because I want you to know I still think about you, everyday. Every waking minute of everyday. I dream about you too. Below is the death notice I placed in the paper. Hope you are safe.
NAPIER (Parker) – Bridget. Cruelly taken from our life too early on July 22nd 2009, aged 18 years. Loving mother to India and wife to Declan. We are so much better together than apart. Life will never be the same. Always with you, Dec and India.