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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:53:10 GMT
Laying Ghosts to Rest!
My birth parents don’t want to meet me! How’s that? Crazy huh! There I was thinking I wanted to withdraw my application and then it turned out they don’t want to know me anyway. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks, worrying about what implications finding my parents would have on my family… on me, and then it turns out it was out of my hands anyway. My parents don't want to find me! But I’m okay, I’ll get over it…..I’ve got my real family, right here beside me.
We’re all back at school now, as Donna said, ruling the school! Well not all of us, it’s strange not having Zeke around.
It was horrible seeing Kyle again, I think we were in shock because we just didn’t expect him to show up. First of all, we thought he would still be on suspension, and secondly, we didn’t really consider he’d be big enough to show his face around here anymore, not after what happened. Dec went off his head, I tried to stop him but he was pretty fired up. But Kyle just had this look of defeat written all over his face, like he’s suffered just as much as us. I think he was Zeke’s friend, maybe! Or maybe he just feels awful about what happened, because he was part of the plan that caused Zeke's death. It threw Dec, all of us, we saw it in his eyes….the pain!
We had Zeke’s memorial last night. I’m pretty shattered today. I just feel so, so tired, it’s all the emotion. Libby stepped in for Rachel when she couldn't get the words out, and sang Unforgettable. It was a really special moment. None of us knew Libby's voice was so beautiful. I think Rachel was thankful Libby was there, to rescue her in a way! I’m not going to be able to write too much today, my heart is hurting and I’m really tired. I miss Zeke so much.
I miss Rachel too. Maybe her old self will come back now that she’s finally come to terms with the fact that Zeke isn't coming back. Now that she can grieve and let go. She’s been so caught up in her own world that she’s not been there for me lately. But I can forgive her that, she’s had so much to deal with. But it’s not nice when she doesn’t even know how far gone I am….. she’s my best friend, she should know. She said I was 16 weeks pregnant last week, but I was 18. This rock-star stuff is consuming her. I hope she comes back to the real world soon.
Again, thanks for all your beautiful messages of support, and starting a forum thread on suggestions for names for Tadpole. I really, really, really appreciate it. There are some fab names there guys.
You Rock.
Peace....Didge X
PS. Have you seen our new Neighbours? It's Donna's Mum, wow is all I can say!
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:54:29 GMT
LIfe is Precious!
While Harold lies in hospital nursing a heavy heart after a massive heart attack, another life lays in wait, getting ready to burst in to the world. My baby! I’m going to be a mother! Seeing my baby for the first time was a pretty crazy experience, the feet, the hands, we even saw the little tiny heart beating away. Our little tadpole, Dec and I were both so amazed. I’m really excited now. We took the video home of the scan and watched it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and.….. I think everyone was a bit fed up with seeing it, except Dec and I.
So Tadpole's healthy, and so cute! Dec wants her to look like me…. If it’s a boy, I want him to look like Dec. We didn’t want to know the sex of our baby, we want it to be a surprise. I’m 20 weeks now and as you can see I’ve got quite a bump! It’s all happening. I’m having trouble fitting into my clothes now. I have to be creative with what I put on….stretchy things work best of course. Jeans just aren’t happening anymore! Being comfortable is a big thing, I just can’t stand having anything tight around my belly. I seem to have so much more energy though now. They say that happens in the second trimester.
I’m still a little worried about doing this… looking after our baby, how we’re going to juggle everything? Mum will help a lot, and Rebecca, we’ll have lots of support. It’s pretty daunting. Seeing our baby was really exciting but underneath I’m also anxious, it’s so huge what we’re doing, how we're going to afford everything you need, did you see that list? But I’ve got to stop worrying, I think sometimes I work myself up and I just have to stop myself doing that. There’s just no use, I’m here now, I can’t turn back the clock.
Being rejected by my birth mother was hard at first. Then I just thought I had to find her. I wasn’t going to be rejected for a second time without finding out why! So we hired a private investigator. He costs a bomb. My mother's name is Joanna Hale, she was born at St Michael’s Hospital in New South Wales. We didn't get her phone number though, the investigator said he could track her down, for an extra fee!
He’s so dodgy, it made me so angry having to pay him more because he’s obviously a con. I started thinking it wasn’t such a great idea. We need the money for our future, not the past. And what about the list of things we need for the baby, that’s huge. It’s exciting, but I’m not sure how we’ll get it all? Then Dec came in with this beg wad of cash, I couldn’t believe it when I saw it! I t’s for the private investigator, and some baby stuff. He took out a loan on the security of his car. I thought he’d sold his car at first, I nearly lost it! He’s good to me.
So I have Joanna Hale’s number but I’m not sure if I’m going to use it. I know Mum and Dad are having a fight because of it. They think I don’t know, but I always know when something is up with them. So I’m going to hang on to that number for the time being. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. I’ve got to go back to the hospital soon to see Harold so I better finish up. He’s hanging in there. He stopped fighting y’know, apparently he was with Madge! Do you believe in all that stuff about seeing the light when you die, and your loved ones? Harold said he saw Madge, that she came to him. Wow! Harold wouldn't make something like that up. Makes you wonder huh! All that stuff fascinates me, Dec is sceptic, but... hey if you've got any stories would love to hear them.
Wonder if my baby can hear my voice all the time over the sounds in the body? The whooshing sound of the blood pumping through, the heartbeat… I’ve heard it’s pretty noisy in there. How do they sleep? I wonder if she knows what I’m doing? I wonder if she’ll recognise Declan when she comes out, because his voice is always around me? I’m sure she will. Hey look at me… calling her “she”! I hope it’s a girl!
Didge xx
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:56:00 GMT
Zombie Roams Ramsay Street
It's like we've just visited the set of some horror movie here in Ramsay Street. Zeke is back, it's the "Return of the Dead Part II". Callum loves it, he thinks Zeke is a Zombie... Crazy Kid! We all can’t quite believe it so I bet you guys are finding it hard. We had said goodbye to Zeke, laid him to rest in a memorial service… and he was alive the whole time, living life as someone else, some dead guy called Trent Andrews. It won’t be something he’ll forget in a hurry. Maybe he's taken on that dead guy's personality? Hey that's not so hard to believe... he's acting very strange. Callum thinks he's going to walk the streets at night Zombie-stylin!
But really, I’m so so so so so so so glad he’s back though, what a relief. It was hard not having any answers, and here he is. It feels weird that he doesn’t recognise us. When Dec and I saw him at Charlie’s Bar I just wanted to run up and give him a big hug, but he didn’t feel the same. He doesn’t know who we are. It feels weird for us, I can’t even begin to imagine how strange it must be for him. He’s a bit moody but I love him all the same. I’ve missed him sooo much. It’s going to be a real challenge for all of us, I can tell. But more for Rachel.
We volunteered to babysit Callum last week, wow that was harder than I thought it would be. This parenting stuff isn’t that easy is it? Do you think we have a romantic notion of what it’s going to be like and are in for a big shock? I heard about this teenage girl who wanted to fall pregnant and her mum was trying to talk her out of it. She thought she was mature enough to cope, until her mum left her in charge of her six month old nephew for a day and night. She said she had no time to do anything she wanted to do – even when the baby was asleep there was washing and dishes to do, heaps of cleaning! Apparently when all that was done she sat down to put her feet up and the baby starting crying for more milk. Apparently she hardly slept all night and woke up absolutely exhausted. After that experience she decided to wait until she was a bit older before she had a baby. That story shocked me but I do think Dec and I would make good parents, so I’m not too worried. He’ll be there 100% to support me and that should make all the difference.
I’m not going to contact my birth mother Joanna. Dec took out some money to get the phone number off the private investigator, but Dad talked me out of it. He’s right, it’s for the best if I don’t see her. She gave me up, and she doesn’t want to be found!
Thanks so much to Mirandabelle for her pregnancy advice in my last diary entry. Wow, that’s so cool, my baby will start to hear my voice over the next month or so, and Decs. I'm going to start playing music, do you think she hears my music when i've got my iPod on? Would the music travel through the headphones? Is that a stupid question?
I do talk to her, I find it really soothing actually. I rub my tummy and tell her about my day, and just talk to her as if she were my friend. It’s nice to know that she will know me by my voice when she’s born. You just don’t realise the relationship starts from this point, when they are inside of you, not just from the birth onwards. OMG... I just noticed, I keep calling it a HER. I don't mean to.... that's strange. Maybe I intuitively know!
I can’t wait to feel it kick. Rebecca told me that should happen soon too. I haven’t thought about the birth just yet… I know I want a natural birth, in water would be cool. I’ll have to start thinking about all that.
Keep those baby name suggestions coming. we've been checking them all out.
I’m 21 weeks pregnant this week... and Zombie's do exist!
Didge x
P.S. I thought Rachel K had a stalker, but I was only stirring. It turns out I'm the one being stalked, by some person in a blue car. It's odd, I'm a bit worried about it. We keep getting these calls at home, it's winding Dad up. I went after them when they were hanging out at the bottom of my street but they sped off. Gutless!
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:57:11 GMT
Love is Nothing Without Trust!
Can you love without trust? That's the question running around inside my head today. I met my Mum and I came to the conclusion that Joanna Hale is no mother to me.. and neither is Miranda! I can trust neither of them. So do I love them? They have acted so selfishly, always wanting what's best for themselves, not me! So I’m going to do what is best for me… I’m giving my baby up for adoption and nobody is going to change my mind. I’m not ready to be a mother, I don’t even know how to be a mother. The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to be like my birth mother or the woman who has bought me up for the past 16 years. But I am…. So it’s best if I give my child to someone else who can raise it better than me, it’s best for me. See, point proved… I am my mother!
Everyone is against me. Dec is against me, Miranda is against me. I’m calling her Miranda now because she isn’t my Mum, she paid my own mother to stay away from me, not because it was good for me, because it was good for her. And now she wants to get her claws on my baby, so how much should I sell tadpole for? $30,000! She bought me for $12,000, so with inflation 30,000 sounds about right! That's what I told Miranda!
I feel like I’m going crazy, I’m having to protect myself from these vampires, they all want what I have… all of a sudden the baby has become more important than me!
Miranda keeps pressuring me… but I’m not changing my mind… this baby is going to be adopted out, not to her… to a family that will love it without having an agenda. Desperation is written all over Miranda’s face, she just looks like she’d do absolutely anything to get what she wants… hey maybe she's a zombie too!?
What she wants is my baby in the disguise of what’s best for me! I can’t trust her.
Dad’s sitting on the fence, yeah maybe he wants what’s best for me, but Miranda will get her way with him so it won’t be long until he feels pressured to convince me to hand my baby over. It’s all such a mess. It’s the day of the wedding, and Mum has been on my case all morning. I’m not going… I’m all dressed up and Mum won't let me out of her sight without discussing everything first. We had a big fight just before… I wish she'd just leave me alone.
Last night I kicked Dec out, and Rebecca left with him. Yeah I know it was harsh, but he said he would stick by me whatever happens, and now he’s not, he wants the baby too, over me! My own boyfriend has chosen the baby, not me.
I’m writing this in the beautiful dress Dec gave me… I love him so much, I just wish he saw it the same way as I do. I just wish he knew how hard this is for me, to have a baby and have to be a mum, at sixteen. I can’t do it. Like Joanna said, I’m not ready.
Joanna's right, I wish Dec could see that. We won’t be able to pursue our own dreams once the baby comes along, we’ll be up to our eyeballs in nappies and milk. There won’t be any time for us. I’ve done my research, I’ve been reading all sorts of material on the net. Nobody else will tell you how difficult it is, how much of your life will be lost to the baby. Joanna knows though, she knows how hard it is, that’s why she gave Riley and I up.
So… I’m not going to romanticise this anymore. It’s hard work raising a child, it’s for life, and I won’t be able to be a doctor, I won’t be able to study, I won’t have time. My dreams will become the baby’s dreams. I will have to hand them over to tadpole.. It will be the one to become the doctor if that’s what it wants. Not me! As soon as I have this baby my life will cease to exist.
And that’s what Miranda and Dec have proven to me. I’m right… I will no longer exist as me, Bridget Parker, loving daughter of Miranda and Steve, adored girlfriend of Declan Napier… intelligent girl who had a bright future in medicine.
I will be mother of tadpole, and tadpole’s needs will far outweigh my own.
Dad thinks I just need time but I don’t, I’ve made my decision and I’m sticking to it. Mum is not having my baby, I’m not going to let her bring this child up right under my nose. No Way! It all stinks of desperation to me! Just because she couldn’t have a child, she wants to live vicariously through me. But after what she did, paying my birth mother off like that, I just can't trust her!
Didge x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:58:13 GMT
The World's Gone Baby Mad!
What a stressful week it’s been! Mum was at me and at me and at me. All she wants is my baby and it really seemed like she was losing the plot… but I never thought she would steal someone else’s baby! But Dad did. That’s exactly what he thought when that woman at Lassiter’s baby went missing! As you know I didn’t make the wedding because of our family domestics and as you know Libby collapsed! She did make it through her vows and her and Dan are FINALLY married. And she’s pregnant! It’s great news. Her and Dan are a great couple.
I shouldn’t have kicked Dec out, I know I know…. Mum was the one I was angry at. After our family domestic, I went to see Dec at the reception and we were having a great time, until he mentioned the baby and the air all of a sudden turned cold between us.
Are we going to get through this? Will this baby be the end for us? Our opinions are so different. Can two people be together if they want different things? I just don’t know what to do, I can’t think about it on top of everything else that’s going on. It’s driving me nuts.
So I went for a walk to get some space…. And then Dad came up worried about mum. Then this woman started going crazy, saying her baby had been stolen. Then it all just went baby-crazy from there! What’s with it with babies at the moment? They're everywhere! First Sam, then me,now Libby and then this lady losing her baby at Lassiters….is someone trying to tell me something?
Anyway, the police turned up looking for the baby and Dad suggested to me it could be mum..then everything went from bad in my life to absolutely over the top crazy! The police caught on that Dad thought it was mum and then mum turns up WITH the baby. She didn’t steal the baby, she was looking for the mother. But the police railroaded Dad and he said too much. It was just a big misunderstanding. Mum's not insane. But they placed her under protective custody and she had to have a psych assessment.
Did Dad honestly think Mum would steal a baby?
Dr Levi said she is very unhappy, and guilty about past stuff, but he didn’t believe she had any intention of taking the child. I felt so bad for her, it was horrible seeing her in that place, like Nicola! Really scary.
But she's okay, she's nothing like Aunty Nicola. We made up… she said she was sorry for hassling me. I know this sounds bad, but for some reason the situation enabled her to see how she’d been acting and I saw my Mum again. Finally, she started seeing things from my perspective and caring about what I was going through.
Dec’s so reliable, he’s always there for me… always. Why am I so confused, I can’t talk to him about our relationship right now, I don’t even want to think about what to do. We’re such a good team him and I…but I just don’t know how to be a mum! I’m too young for this. It’s all too much.
Outside of all my family drama there has also been drama on the street. Zeke and Ringo are fighting over Donna. She’s crazy if you ask me, I love Zeke and all, but Donna and him, that’s just weird! He’s not Donna’s type, is he?
Apparently Ringo saw them toether the next day after the wedding, and he had a go at Zeke and then Zeke, apparently, knocked him to the ground… Zeke knocking Ringo to the ground! Wow, seems there’s a whole lot more to Zeke than we knew about. What’s happening, they use to be such good friends?
There’s going to be a big fight between them apparently. Apparently Susan suggested it, they’re going to slug it out under adult supervision! It doesn’t sound like something Susan would do, promote violence.
Dec said he’s never seen Ringo so mad, he wants to kill Zeke! Poor Donna, caught in the middle of their stupidity.
I’m tired… the baby’s starting to kick now and it’s getting a lot heavier. I’m starting to feel like I'm carrying around a sack of potatoes. Well maybe not a sack, maybe a 2kg pack of new potatoes, but woah it’s tiring.
Off to sleep now, it’s going to feel so good to get into my bed tonight after being in heels all day.
I’m going to prey everything turns out just fine… for all of us, Mum, Dad, me, Dec and Tadpole. Let me make the right decision, I don’t want to make any mistakes!
Goodnight.
Didge x x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 10:59:11 GMT
When the going gets tough, eat pancakes!
Blueberry pancakes! They’re always a sign that Mum and Dad have something important to say. And they did - DIVORCE! Blueberry pancakes… they may as well serve me up a plate of raw fish guts, I’d be just as likely to eat that after one of our blueberry pancakes breakfast chats! Those chats never really leave much room for an appetite. I’m okay about the divorce. Well atleast I thought I was. I know it's for the best, but it's also a lot to handle on top of everything else! Mum and Dad have had their fare share of trouble and Mum does seem a lot less stressed since making the decision to divorce.
Dad isn’t though… he’s finding it really tough and he’s not reaching out. I visited him today at the practice. I just want him to know that I am here for him. Mum thinks it will just take time and that he’ll be okay. That old cliché… time! I don’t think so, I think you need to support someone when they are going through a tough time, they need to know that you are there for them. I think that’s the only thing that gets them through without damaging themselves too much.
Poor Dec, I love him so much. He was there for me, he put his AFL career second so that he could be there when I was upset. I didn’t mean for him to do that, I should’ve handled my emotions around him until after the assessment. But he insisted it would be okay. I never imagined he’d get the boot, but he did.
He’s so kind and generous and thoughtful! He IS somebody, somebody amazing! I'm pretty lucky aren't I!
Woah, how weird is Zeke acting since he’s been back! I’m not so sure what to say to him anymore, I mean he’s always been straightforward and honest, but he’s brutal with the truth these days.
So, Rachel’s gone to London. How emotional was that! I’m so happy for her though. We’ve emailed everyday, even though I miss her I so wanted her to do this. She’ll be amazing. She’s freaking out at the moment though, said London is crazy. She got lost on her first day there, she went to Convent Garden to see the sights, SHOPPING, and got lost and ended up in some red light district! So she definitely saw the sights then! She had to ask for directions until someone practically threw an A-Z at her – apparently it’s the book you never leave home without! A street directory. Maybe I should organise everyone to pitch in and buy her a GPS for her birthday. That’s such a cool idea!
It was hard enough for us all to say goodbye to Rach, let alone Ty and Rachel saying goodbye to each other. I don’t know how they did it? It made me realise I would never want to lose Declan, never!
How weird, Zeke and Donna kissed. I don’t know what’s going on there and it’s really none of my business, BUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS IS CRAZY! Beauty and the Geek!
Ringo is going nuts, he’s so mad, they both are so mad at each other. So a fight has been organised. Apparently Dad suggested a supervised boxing match and Susan agreed, rather than leaving it to them to kill each other! But they didn’t turn up. Donna wrote them both a letter, telling them she’s gone cause she doesn’t want them fighting over her, but it didn’t stop them. None of it did, they didn’t turn up for the fight but ended up battling it out somewhere else. And Zeke was knocked unconscious. Or blacked-out? Not really sure what happened. But it was a knockout!
I wish I knew where Donna was…. She said she’s gone to find her real Dad! I hope she has better luck than I did with Joanna!
I asked mum if Declan could move back in. We’re getting on so well now, I do understand how she likes the quiet of the house at the moment, and the easiness of just the two of us being home. But it will be cool having Dec back home with me.
I’m pretty worried about Dad… I thought Mum and Dad were going to handle the divorce like adults, but they’re not, they’ve been so weird with each other. The family is all Dad cares about and now he feels like he's got nothing. But he hasn't. I'm here.
It’s funny how one person always seems to handle the breakup of a relationship a lot better than the other. Like Mum, finding her independence again has made her feel strong and complete, and Dad’s moping around like a lost puppy. And Rachel, flying high, living it large in London, and Ty… selling his guitar and going into labouring. It’s so not his style, he’s a muso, but he reckons he's putting it all behind him.
He’s just sad. I’ve told Rachel I’ll keep checking up on him. It’s like Dad, you just have to let them know you’re there for them, whenever they need you!
I'm so happy Dec and I are back to normal again.... I missed him. I can't live without him, I know that now!
Didge x
PS. Thanks for all of your advice. Everything will turn out alright in the wash, especially if you have the love and support of people around you, I do agree with that. We need to be there for the people we love. ks
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 11:00:31 GMT
Cookies n’ Cream Works a Treat!
I think Mum needs to dish me up a bowl full of Cookies n Cream Ice Cream for breakfast whenever she's got something to sort out with me! That stuff's got the potential to solve all the world's problems! More so than Blueberry Pancakes! Dan and Libby’s loss is the loss of the whole street. We're all grieving for them! They deserve to be happy, they have been through so much, so why this? Why now? Why does this happen to two people who want so much to have a child together? And here I am, planning to adopt my healthy baby out when I have the love of an amazing guy and people who will support me.
There I was talking to Libby about my future, afraid of making a mistake I will regret and there she was giving me advice to take each moment as it comes and that everything will work out fine. But it hasn’t for them! I can’t face Libby now, I don’t know what I’d say to her.
It’s just so tragic.
Dad’s doing okay, I think. He seems to be holding it together and dealing with the divorce in his own way. I mean he was talking to a lizard when Mum and I went to see him at the Vet last week, but… maybe it’s just his way of coping, throwing himself into his work and talking to the animals. You never know, he may find some sense of healing from caring for the sick little creatures.
He asked me to pop around to the practice, said one of his clients had given him a gift hamper and that I could have it. He’s funny, it was so not from one of his clients… there was Cookies n Cream ice-cream in it, who puts ice-cream in a gift hamper? And two spoons, one for me, one for dad. It was awesome… I love Cookies n Cream ice-cream, so does tadpole… Tadpole was frolicking around in there for some time after I’d eaten, obviously having a good time… maybe I’ve got an Olympic Synchronised Swimmer in there, I swear there were some pretty cool back-flips and dives being performed.
I wish Dec would stop worrying about Rebecca. You’d think she was his kid the way he worries about her. Imagine what he’s going to be like with our own kid? If we were keeping it that is… Anyway, Rebecca’s moving on, she’s happy, and Declan is trying to pick fault with it. To Declan, it’s the Principle of the Principal…. That’s the problem! I told him to stop being silly, Rebecca’s grown up and she’s going to get hitched to Andrew Simpson so he better get use to it.
And there’s Ringo and Zeke acting like juveniles! Actually that’s being nice, they’re acting like idiots. Fighting over Donna, who doesn’t want to be fought over. What are they thinking they will achieve by fighting? Nothing is ever achieved, but Zeke finding himself on an ambulance stretcher. He’s okay, but there is something seriously wrong with his head these days… I think the knock he got to his head in the rafting accident has knocked it out of place somewhat. So, what’s Ringo’s excuse?
He ditched Zeke and Declan when they went to give him support at his AFL Jumper Presentation. What a tool! All for a players party, to impress Adam Clarke! He thinks he can do whatever he wants now he’s a big star recruit, like hang out with tools like Adam Clarke and ditch his real mates whenever it suits him. He couldn’t even say anything heartfelt to Rachel when we were doing a video for her, it was so lame. Donna would hate to see him now, she’d wonder what she ever saw in him, I swear. I think
I did alright in the SAC assessment, I had butterflies on top of the baby kicks I was so nervous. But I think I went okay in the end…. It’s funny how you can work yourself up into a frenzy. I got stuck in to Dec too didn’t I! I was just so angry at him for the baby clothes he had in the locker… but I had no right to be. He’s going to be a Dad and I won’t even let him enjoy it! I’m just so stressed.
I just don’t know if I’m messing everything up, there’s just so much happening. I told Libby I wished that I was happy like she was, I told her that just moments before she collapsed. And then she lost the baby. I feel terrible. I was only just wishing I could be as happy about my baby as her and Dan were about theirs and then…. their happiness is gone, just like that!
You really do have to savour every moment of life, you never know what’s around the corner. I have a healthy child and I need to make the right decision. It’s so scary. I so want to make the right choice. I don’t want to make a mistake that will hurt me, or our child, in the future. Is giving our baby up for adoption the right answer?
Maybe I will be a good mum! I am not Joanna, I am not my mother….I am Bridget Parker. I need to let go of all the things that are holding me back in life, I need to stop making excuses for not being happy. I can be happy if I let myself be, surely!
Seeing Libby and what she’s been going through, I’ve realised how lucky Dec and I really are…. it's time for me to be happy.
Didge….
PS. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, not long to go now!
will post more later
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 22:42:31 GMT
Where Do Balloons Go? .
It’s been a great week. I am so happy I have gotten over that hurdle of indecision, of doubting myself, to find myself now in a place where I can be confident about my abilities and know that I have made the right decision… we are keeping tadpole! Sometimes we just need to find our inner-goddess, and set the limitations of the past free, let it evaporate into thin air… I am good enough to be a mum, I am capable of raising a child, and I am surrounded by love that will help me do that. What else could a girl want huh….I’ve got the biggest spunk in the world by my side, Dec! And I’m laughing from this side of the moon and back again. He’s so amazing. And he’s 100% with me on this. We’re going to be a family.
I bet your all happy about that, I know you've been behind me, trying to convince me to make the right decision. I have been listening, but I don't think I really heard you, or anyone here. It was Libby and Dan losing the baby that set my thoughts off on a different tangent. That was the point everything within me changed. I started hearing the right words. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was set all those negative thoughts inside of me free. Dec was so excited when he realised I was with him again, that we were on the same page. He's so amazing.
Did you see him organising that film fest… he wanted to watch all four Alien’s in one night, NO WAY! I knew he wouldn’t be able to so I just humoured him a bit and went along with it, he’s such a dag, him and his Alien impersonations. We’ve made a list of ALL the things we want to do before the baby comes along. I’m a bit stuck on my part…. I mean as I said, what more could a girl want, I’ve got it all! As long as I'm with Dec I don't really mind.
In the end we didn’t have to endure his movie marathon, Dec got a job with Mum at Lassiters. He looked SO good in his uniform. He’s working for us, for me and the baby, for his family. He’s so cool.
Ringo’s not. He’s acting like such an idiot at the moment, so glad Dec didn’t go down that path hanging out with all the AFL groupies… Ringo’s lost it. That party he organised, well Clarko or whatever his name pushed him into, got out of hand and Dec said Ringo treated him like some cleaning lackey. I thought he might’ve been a bit jealous at first, but then when I tried to patch things up between them I realised that maybe it wasn’t the case, that Ringo was behaving like a bit of a twat, thinking he was too cool for school! He’s just dropped us all, for his AFL mate Clarko. Maybe he’s in way over his head. Peer group pressure or something. I don’t know… So we told Susan. He was kissing some skanky football groupie, she’s so superficial. He’ll lose Donna, I tried to warn him because I know how much she means to him, but he’s off in some other world, lost to football madness.
Zeke seems lost at the moment too. He's just SO serious! He’s constantly listening to music. He’s changed, his appearance has changed, his mannerisms, his temperament. He’s so different now. He doesn’t have a laugh anymore. I spose a lot has changed in his life.
That Cass, she’s crazy. She is so out to impress, poor Tegan, she doesn’t need the attention that her Mum craves. She just wants to be normal kid. Cass came around and told me off...just because Tegan decided to be herself for a change. I’m sure I’ll be a better Mum than Cass, so if she can do it, I can!
Some people really should go through a rigorous test before they can be parents – she would definitely have failed big time!
Well with the ghosts of the past in the past, and all my balloons floating free somewhere, possibly over the coast of Africa…. I’m now content to live my life without fear of failure, without holding on to past insecurities.
I wonder where balloons go when they float up into the sky….? Do they float back down again, landing in the hands of another person on another part of the planet? Or do they just keep floating up and out of the stratosphere? They probably burst, but they just seem to go so high - up, up and up until the balloon ends up just a tiny dot far away in the distance, and if you look away for a second you’ll lose it forever! I wonder.
Does anyone know?
I always use to wonder that as a kid.
Peace.
Didge x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 22:44:17 GMT
To Tell Or Not To Tell?
I’ve got a question to ask this week…..a burning question that maybe some of you can help me with. What do you do when you have some really important information about the guy or girl your friend is with, has been with or could be with,and you know that if you tell your friend it could ruin that relationship forever? Do you tell, or not? What do you do when you know your friend should know, but you wonder if… maybe ignorance is bliss. What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right! Or maybe they will blame you? And quite possibly, the guy or girl that’s done wrong will really hate you for telling them? What I think is that the truth will eventually come out… like in Donna’s case. Ringo’s fling with Ashley was written all over the girl’s toilets, so she was going to find out. I had to intervene to tell her before she found out that way. Better to find out from me, I guess. But… would I have told her if the graffiti wasn’t there? I wonder. I think I would have. Would you?
I think you should be brave. I think you should be able to tell your friend, no matter what the consequences, without hesitation. I think telling the truth is important if you really care for that person, because ultimately you are saving them from going down a path with someone who is not the person they think they are! I think the truth always finds its way out, in the end. And then it can cause more trouble, further down the line!
To tell you the truth, I didn’t really have much time to think about it. Donna arrived back, suddenly…. And there was Ringo and Zeke in her face. And then she was saying she didn’t want anything to do with boys anymore so I thought I wouldn’t need to tell her… but then Ringo said the big L word which started Donna off, maybe she could be with Ringo, he loved her and they were good together, weren’t they? She was off, questioning her intial thoughts to stay away from him! And all I could think about was that Ashley chick, and how when I reminded Ringo that Donna would be back soon, he turned his back on her and chose Ashley. HE made that choice! And then when Donna came back, he decided he wanted her again, because it hadn’t worked out with Ashley? Was that the reason? Maybe…. we’ll never know, but we can presume it was. Well that’s now what Donna presumes! I
I know better than anyone that people make mistakes, but sometimes if the truth doesn’t face them then they will never learn from those mistakes, because they will go unchecked.
Ringo would be kicking himself at the moment, he is, he told me off for telling Donna. But every action has a reaction!!
So his reaction to it all has been to quit school. Dummy!
That’s so cool, one of you said in the comments from my last diary that in America they did an experiment and let two balloons go with a phone number on each, and one was found in Europe! Thanks for answering that, I wonder where Dec and my balloons will end up? Hopefully together, maybe they’ll meet up with another balloon on the way.
Hey, how cool is that new pirate radio station, Piratenet. I’m hooked. I wonder who Lost Boy is? I really like how they have disguised his voice like that, it makes it all so mysterious and underground. I also like the way he discusses real-life issues, I really get some of the stuff he talks about. Dec thinks it’s okay…. But that’s Dec, he’d hate to admit he’s really a geek deep down. But I know he is!
I’m 28 weeks now, it’s officially the final trimester of my pregnancy. I’ve got about 12 weeks until little Tadpole arrives. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever. It’s been a big fat rollercoaster ride, but I’m glad I’m coasting along now in a straight line, I think I’d be panicking by now if I was still so confused about the future. Having this certainty within me makes it an easier ride.
As always, Peace.
Didge x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 22:52:21 GMT
Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers!
Well that’s what Dec thinks anyway. We found this big stash of money in the allotment, $20000! I don’t know why we thought we might be able to keep it, I guess at first you don’t think about those things, you just see all that money and run… But then when we got it all back to our house and Dec counted how much was there, I just knew we couldn’t keep it. Dec thought we could. So we've been having this big tug-o-war for a few hours, Dec clearing his conscience by saying it would pay our way, it would be for the baby and Rebecca. It would go towards helping people who really need it. I on the other hand think it's way too risky, too dangerous, that money belonged to someone and it would eventually come back and nip us in the butts. I thought the best thing to do was put it back where we found it and pretend we’d never laid eyes on it.
So, what should we do? It would be so cool to keep it, but I just couldn’t live with myself. Somehow I’ve got to convince Dec that we need to put it back… it’s gonna be hard, he loves feeling that money in his hand.
I just got off Skype actually, I’ve been skyping with Rachel heaps lately. She’s having such a cool time. She misses us though, and Ty loads. That's what she said, loads! She's starting to sound english. She also said duvet the other day, said she was going to go get her duvet to cover her while we talked cause she was cold…. DUVET! How funny!
It was a crazy week last week with Ringo quiting school, and then getting sacked from the football team. He was really acting weird, Lost Boy was talking peer group pressure on Pirate Net, somehow he knew Ringo’s story! He knew that Ringo was being pressured into taking the wrap over an accident that Adam Clarke caused. And him airing that on the radio led to the media (ELLE) getting wind of it and Ringo being sacked from the team. Now he’s quit school and he’s not a professional footy player anymore. Don’t know what he’s going to do, but he seems pretty messed up right now.
Sunny-Lee arrived in Ramsay Street, I was laughing about it to Rachel before. She’s sooo the opposite to Rachel, she’s so full on and seems like a bit of a social misfit to tell you the truth.
She’s all over Lost Boy, she wants to track him down and expose his true identity. I feel sorry for the guy, he’s just playing some tunes and chatting on the radio, but I don’t think his anonymity is going to last for long. I mean I’m intrigued, but that’s the whole point…. so leave him alone.
Well, we found the Easter Bunny – Dad’s client’s bunny that got loose…. good thing he didn’t lose it, that would have been a bit sad, just before Easter! Hope you are having a cool Easter.
I’m 29 weeks pregnant this week. I’m feeling a little emotional now though… I think it’s the hormones, that’s what they say. But…. the kicks are getting stronger now, actually I’m actually starting to see the little thing moving around, my bump moves, it’s weird. I think it had it’s elbow sticking in my side the other day. Dec kept tapping it, to get it to move, he’s so cute…. It’s going to be the best Dad, outside of mine!
Love Didge x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 22:56:18 GMT
What’s Wrong With Me? Oh, I’m Pregnant!
I’ve been a bit sulky lately, it’s the hormones, they really suck. Poor Dec, having to deal with a ‘cry baby’ girlfriend. But he’s so cute, he tries so hard to cheer me up and make me laugh. Almost always he succeeds. I know I know… I have a pretty awesome boyfriend. I DO get sick of everyone complaining all the time, and I did freak out the other night at the Kennedy's place. I just got sick of listening to Sunny-Lee moan on about the school play, that she happens to have the lead in! What I would do to be able to be in the school play, let alone the lead. I’ll be stuck in some birthing suite busting a lung while they’re all having fun. I’d love to be an actor....but I want to be a doctor more. I guess that’s a good thing then, I’ll get to see my profession close up, really close up!
Dec tried to cheer me up, I mean it was pathetic really, acting so girly about something so stupid. I hate hormones, I feel like such a girl all the time. Anyway, Dec’s encouraged me to be involved in the play in another way, behind the scenes, as a grip or whatever... whatever they do? Gripping things! Maybe I can help with the costumes… seen as though Cass is such a pain, Dan could probably do with some good help in that department.
Good news… Dec’s moving back in, and the deal is he’s going to make me tea in bed every morning. And maybe French toast, but that might be pushing it, just a bit. Once a week will do. I love how Dec looks after me, he makes me feel like I am the centre of his universe, which is exactly where I want to be.
So you saw all the drama surrounding Guy Sykes. It’s pretty scary thinking that he was next door all night long, holding Callum and Toadie hostage. What a freak! Apparently Toadie still has the bullet in him from the first time Guy shot him, it just gets freakier and freakier this street! Well he’s back behind bars now, where he belongs, thank god that fiasco is over. I heard all the commotion outside, but Dec wouldn’t let me go out, said it was too dangerous for me and the baby. He made me sit and eat my french toast while all that was going on outside....
Hey maybe Guy Sykes and Cass should meet up, they would get on really well. Both evil crooks.
Cass, man she’s really screwed Donna up, poor thing…. She sabotaged her audition for the school play and then accused Dan of sleezing on to her. Why would you do that to your daughter, cause all those problems and mess with her head? Jealousy, resentment? Who knows? One things for sure I’m not going to be a mother like her. I’m going to show my kid how proud I am every time they achieve something. I’m 16, and I know I’m going to be a better mother than Cass. I don’t care what happened to her to make her that way, there’s no excuse, Donna shouldn’t be blamed for her mother’s mistakes. No child deserves that.
She’s so patient Donna, she’s moved back in with her Mum even after all the trouble she's caused her. She said she wants to give it a go, she wants to give her mum a chance to be a better mum… I wouldn’t. She’s blown all her chances as far as I’m concerned….
But I guess I’ve already got my parents here for me, Donna hasn’t, so she probably feels she needs her mother. But she’s got us, and Elle. I mean Elle's like a big sister to her now. She needs to just get rid of her mum, and get on with her new life here with the people that DO care about her.
Anyway, places to go, people to meet.
Later.
Didgexx
PS. 30 weeks today.... 6 weeks to go. Arrhhhhhhhhh!
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Post by sophie on Jan 28, 2011 23:00:21 GMT
Thanks for these, Jess!
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 23:02:48 GMT
Good Doggy!
We lost Bob the Dog the other day…. It was sad for Toadie, Bob was his mate! I couldn’t believe it when Toadie dropped Bob’s ashes all over the floor, oh my god!!! It was pretty awkward, Susan offered to vacuume him up, and put him in a bright blue lunchbox… He got a good send-off though... for a dog with a really smelly breath, he was alright! I liked Bob. Some people just don’t deserve second chances. Well, in Cass’ case, she didn’t even deserve the first one. I’m glad Donna has decided to divorce her mother, it’s called legal emancipation (how cool is that!)! She’s making a stand and saying she deserves better than how her mother treats her.
I think refusing to give someone a second chance after they've had a few too many is good for your dignity. I have never felt so good having laid my real mother to rest finally, in my mind. I’ve emancipated myself from her once and for all. I never think about her anymore, or what I am missing out on…. cause I know I’m not missing out on much.
Sad, but true, some people just don’t deserve second chances.
I couldn’t believe it when Donna’s mum came to the school to help out with the play, and then when Donna was mid sentence in her rehersal, she started laughing at her, her own daughter. How humiliating. I can’t imagine why she would want to humiliate Donna like that, her own daughter? Well the woman won’t be getting anymore second chances that’s for sure.
Donna said it’s final, she’s finally given up on having any kind of relationship with her mum. She was trying to show her mum that she loved her, in the hope she’d get some love back, but she finally realised Cass is not capable of loving anyone, that she's all outta love. So even though Cass is a lost cause, Donna doesn't have to be.
Fitzy has made me stage manager for the school play. I have to organise everyone, make sure everything is running on time, to a schedule. And that everyone will have everything they need on the day. It’s fun… I like helping out, it makes me feel better than hanging around watching my belly grow.
Rebecca’s moved back in, I love having her and Mum at home, it’s so cool hanging out with them. Talking about mum's, I’m 31 weeks now. I get breathless all the time and the baby has stopped doing sumersaults. It’s become so big now there is no room in there for it to flip about. I just get elbows and knees protruding out of my belly now, it’s pretty cute. Sleeping has become more difficult. I can’t sleep on my back anymore and I surround myself in so many pillows Dec doesn’t get a look in. I need extra padding to make sleep comfortable, to support my swollen body, and somehow Dec doesn’t do it for me in that way anymore - he’s got too many bony bits!
I’m also starting to realise towards the end of my pregnancy that the death of my dreams is not a major thing, like I thought in the beginning. I did a list the other day of activities I’d never done and that I might not ever get round to doing. Like going on a trip to India, visiting the opera, seeing Missy Higgins in concert…. It was quite a long list. But when I read over it again the next day all these things actually seemed stupid and all of a sudden I realised hanging out with Tadpole and Declan would be fun, putting together lego houses and watching playschool will actually bring me many hours of happiness.
I have had this one recurring dream though, that slightly bugs me. I keep dreaming that I’m giving birth to this withered balloon, and then the nurses blow it up and it turns into a long, skinny balloon, sometimes silver, sometimes red or blue, with a face drawn on it. Sometimes the face is crying, sometimes it's just smiling at me, weirdly. It's spooking me out. I always need to get up after that dream and eat a sandwich and watch some mindless TV. I’m sure it has some sort of psychological meaning… but I’m yet to work it out. If anyone has any ideas let me know, I could do with a new dream now!
Well I’m off. Going to meet Rebecca now at Charlie’s, Mum and her want to organise a baby shower for me and I’ve insisted on a more modern style occasion, with boys. I want Dec there….
Lots of love
Didge x
PS. Rest in Peace Bob x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 23:06:27 GMT
To Marry or Not to Marry?
I’m in a loving relationship with Declan Napier and I adore him, completely. I’m carrying his child! He is my love, my life, but there’s just one problem… he’s asked me to marry him! Is there something wrong with me? Everyone else thinks it's a good idea, except me! A simple baby shower to celebrate our baby was hijacked… and turned into an engagement party. I was looking forward to the baby shower! Declan suggested we have it and it did annoy me I have to admit. Even though I was struggling to really work out why! I thought I’d be okay, I really did, but then it all fell apart when Donna gave me that damn bridal vale. I felt like a real idiot! I felt like a fraud. There I was at my engagement party, not even convinced I wanted to be there! I'm such a dud girlfriend!
But I’ve never been one of those girls who dreamt of having a white wedding. What's wrong with me? Every girl wants their day as a princess, but I never thought of myself as a princess so I never thought of having my day as one! I just never wanted to get dressed up in a big white dress and look like a gigantic tulip…. I hate flowers anyway, so how would they decorate my wedding? I’m a tomboy, why would Dec think I’d want to wear one of those frilly things? Besides that… it’s the whole concept of marriage that gets me. That whole ownership thing, that peice of paper that stakes a claim on someone! You're saying to that person you belong to me, is that because of fear? Fear of losing something valuable? I don’t know.
Anyway, I wanted to be a Vet, and then a Doctor, I’ve never thought about being anything else, and now I'm going to be a mother, isn't that enough of an identity change to deal with? I love Dec, I love him more than anything, but why do I have to get married to prove that? Love is enough. Why does anything have to change, we’re having a baby, isn’t that proof that we are together, if you ask me it’s more proof, it’s more of a reason to stay together through thick and thin. Why bother? Mum and Dad didn’t work out. What if we don’t?
It was Donna’s crazy idea to take me to the bridal shop to try on dresses, and release that inner-bride as she put it. She was trying to get me to open my eyes to another way of looking at the whole marriage thing. I hated it at first, I looked stupid and dumb and FAT! Actually, I looked like a white Christmas pudding….. Ok ok, it wasn’t that bad, maybe I looked more like a marshmallow. Whatever I looked like, it wasn't a beautiful bride!
Sunny-Lee called me a whinger! It’s my pregnancy and I’ll whinge if I want to….. So anyway, Donna won in the end. The shop assistant stepped in because in all honesty Donna’s talk about letting the sister’s down and every girl wanting to be a bride was just about to kill the moment completely, along with the marshmellow looking bride staring back at me! But then the shop lady put me in this gorgeous dress and I actually could see myself as a bride, for the first time in my life. I really felt beautiful. Y'know I thought maybe I could see myself doing this thing, maybe it's not such a bad idea....
Mum and Dad offered to pay for the dress when I showed them the pics. They thought I looked beautiful in it too. SO I thought I was doing the right thing.... but Dec thinks I’m psycho and he doesn’t want to marry me now, he wants to think about it again after the baby's born. I tried to explain to him my reasons for not being thrilled with the idea of marriage, that it was because Mum and Dad are divorced and I don’t want to suffer the same fate as them. I want to be with Dec, and I don’t want all of the problems that go with getting married. Why do things have to change? I understand why Dec feels the way he does, he just wants Tadpole to know he’s got a Mum and a Dad! But why would a piece of paper do that? We are Tadpole’s parents already! Anyway, it’s all been put on hold for the moment. We’ve reached a compromise….
It’s all about compromise. Apparently!
Does that mean I’m going to have to compromise every aspect of my life? My career? My thoughts? Myself!
Didge x
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Post by jess on Jan 28, 2011 23:08:36 GMT
Love in the 21st Century!
"I, Bridget Parker, promise to love you Declan Napier forever, to try and understand you, even when you are being weird!" Compromise is good, Dec and I have agreed to differ on our differing opinions about marriage and we have reached a compromise. I don’t have to put on a white frock just yet… and Dec knows he’s got me forever, regardless of a piece of paper. It’s marriage in the 21st century, an oath sworn between us by text message! With a little bit of help from our friends, Declan and I made an oath of everlasting commitment. We couldn’t agree on marriage, but we could agree on how we felt about each other…. So we performed our own ceremony of love in the middle of Ramsay Street, with our friends as our witnesses.
Here is our text message oath: "I, Bridget Parker, promise to love you forever, to try to understand you, even when you’re being weird." And Declan wrote…."I, Declan Napier, promise to love you forever, and respect how you feel, even if it’s psycho."
And then we sent our oath of committment to each other by text.
And I’m not going to be a doormat for anyone, thank you!
Donna made me realise that, and Donna knows what she’s talking about, she stood up to Ringo when he was being a jerk. It was romantic though wasn’t it! It was the most romantic thing Declan and I have ever done.
I know you guys think that I’m bulshy, some of you think that I complain a lot. But that’s me… I am stubborn and I’m not like a proper girl, I stick up for myself and won’t back down, but that’s why Declan loves me. He said I’m the version of girl he likes and that’s all that counts to me, really!
I’m blogging from school camp, it’s so boring here cause we don't have a play to rehearse! I came inside to get some rest but can’t, so I thought I’d write my diary from the camp office.
I need to go out there and stir things up a bit…. Zeke and Sunny are crazy about each other, everyone knows it, except for them. So I have to do something about it.....I know, I'm going to get the guys to play truth or dare. That'll be awesome. Maybe Zeke and Sunny will be dard to kiss?
Oh yeah, did you see Donna kiss Kyle? That was full on for Ringo. Maybe truth or dare will bring up some stuff for them, maybe they’ll tell each other how they really feel and get over this stupid behaviour. Of course Donna doesn’t like Kyle, she was just proving a point to Sunny, about kissing. Donna and Kyle, I don’t think so!
I’ll be back next week for another update, stay tuned…. And watch this space, we may have another romance hotting up on the street. Cool!
Didge x
PS. Have you seen the size of my belly, I’m obese. I’m 33 weeks now…. 7 weeks to go until Tadpole arrives. I feel good, a little bit tired, and pretty hungry, I’m definitely eating for two now…. This baby never stops wanting food. Sometimes I have to wake in the middle of the night to feed it, that’s tiring… they say its nature’s way of getting you use to being kept awake at night. But do you actually get use to that?
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