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Post by sophie on Jun 1, 2011 10:45:28 GMT
he rest of the week went quickly by and everyone hoped for the storm. It didn't come, however, and everyone suffered through sultry air and uncomfortable heat, wishing that the rain would fall. Even on the days where it was cloudy, the rain hung in the air but not a drop fell.
"I wonder if it'll rain before I go back," mused Donna on Saturday afternoon, examining her fingernails in the light.
"I wouldn't worry," said Declan irritably, who was wearing a T-shirt and shorts and still felt too hot. "I expect the rain will welcome you when you get back to England. They're probably doing the opposite over there and praying for some sun."
"Switch rain for snow," said Donna. "I'll try and send some over. Dec, do my fingernails look like they need another coat of nail polish?"
"What?" asked Declan, taking another large gulp of his orange juice. "No. I don't know. God, this juice has gone warm already."
"You're in a bad mood," Donna remarked and he shrugged, feeling annoyed. "What's up?"
"Nothing, I'm just too hot."
"Plus..."
"Plus....I don't know...."
Donna waited patiently.
"Plus, you're going home next week," he said angrily. "And we won't see you again for months. I never think about how much I miss you until you come back and when you go again..."
"Oh, Dec."
Donna looked touched.
"And Indy'll miss you too," Declan continued. "You know, even with Mum, I think I would have already blown a gasket over this Elliot thing if you hadn't been here to talk me down and make me forget about it, forget about heaps of stuff. I'm not one of those guys who thinks being an adult is the worst thing in the world but it's like when we catch up I can forget that I'm thirty-six, work in an office and my daughter's a teenager. I mean, Rach is gone, Didge is gone, and I just....I don't know. It feels like stuff happens too fast sometimes and that I don't have a friend to talk to all the time."
"Dec!" exclaimed Donna again, sounding upset but Declan hurried on with, "And I'm not trying to sound like I'm all alone or anything – I mean, Zeke's only a couple of streets away, for God's sake, and Mum and I have Indy. It's not as if I have a tough life. I just miss hanging out with you and remembering stuff and you always make me laugh."
"So I'm your unpaid comedian?" joked Donna, but she put her arm around him. "I get it. I know Zeke's here but he's so busy with Jess and the boys and work that it's harder for you guys just to chill. But you know, Rach isn't gone-gone. You know, people whinge so much about technology but it can be so great – Rach is on the other side of the world but you can call her and tall to her anytime and you can even have a video chat with her. I mean, I know it's not the same as seeing her, but..."
"I know," said Declan, but they fell silent all the same, neither knowing what to say about Bridget for a moment.
"I know Didge isn't here anymore," said Donna quietly. "But I don't think she's really gone. I don't want to sound all sentimental and spiritual but I don't think she's gone forever. I think she's still here in a different way and she lives on in Indy. We'll never forget her."
There was another silence and Donna said quickly, "God, did that sound really cheesy? She'd probably hit me for making it sound like a tragic novel you can buy in airports...I'll probably buy one when I get my flight...."
"No," said Declan, and he smiled sadly. "Sometimes it feels like she's right here – like, I'll see something that reminds me of her or Indy'll say something or just looks a certain way and I'll see her so clearly. And then I just think of her out of nowhere. I mean, I like to think that I can see her again someday but I don't know...I don't think I even believe in God. If there was a God, why would she be gone?"
"I don't know," said Donna quietly. "I don't know."
"I can't forget her," said Declan fiercely. "I'm so frightened of forgetting her."
"Oh Dec, you could never do that."
"I know I could never forget her totally," clarified Declan. "But I'm scared that one day I won't see her as clearly. Sometimes I can't see her face as clearly as I did and then I have to get a photo or video out. You know, everyone tells me to move on and I am – it's not like I'm shutting myself off from everything – but it's not the kind of moving on they want, but I can't, Donna. I don't want to not want to think about her and remember her."
Donna didn't say anything but she put her hand on Declan's.
"I think about her so much," she said finally. "Even if it's not in the same way as you."
"I know," said Declan quietly and they sat in silence for a little while.
"Part of me doesn't want to go to Queensland either," he admitted. It felt strange to say it out loud.
"How come?"
"It's with Didge's parents," Declan said awkwardly. "And I like Miranda and Steve, they're my family too, but it's just....I know it's never going to stop feeling like I was the teenage boy who went and corrupted their daughter."
"Declan, they don't think that!"
"I don't know," he said miserably. "I don't think they'd ever admit to it. I mean, I don't think they hate me, or anything, it's just...when we go over there we talk about Didge, which is great, only they talk a lot about stuff from before I knew her and I like hearing about it, don't get me wrong, but it feels like I don't know what to say sometimes. It's Miranda, Steve and Riley and they're all sharing this story and remembering it together and I can't even say that something similar happened to me. She was a Parker and Miranda was her mum, you can guess what their weekends were like!"
Donna had to smile at that.
"It feels like Riley's wife is more of a part of it than me, even. I don't know. This is sounding like I hate hearing about it or something...I don't. I'll just always feel the boy who got their daughter into joyriding."
"I know what you mean. I never had a normal mum. It felt like my whole family wasn't normal."
"And plus it's Christmas," said Declan heavily. "And it sucks without Didge."
"I know," said Donna gently.
"I still like it, it's just not the same. If it wasn't for Indy I don't know what I'd do. God Donna, how can she have grown up so quickly? It was only her first Christmas a little while ago."
"I know."
"It just feels too quick," said Declan miserably. "And I just feel so angry that everything has been unfair on her and that she hasn't ever been able to speak to her mum."
"I know," said Donna. "But she has the best dad ever and she knows Bridget in a way. And she's such a fantastic kid."
"Most of the time," joked Declan. "No, she is. It just all suddenly got complicated when she became a teenager. It felt like she needed her mum more – she needed her anyway, but you know...."
"Yeah, I know," said Donna quietly.
"And now she's going to be moping the whole time over her boyfriend," said Declan, lightening the conversation a little. "So this trip will be a barrel of laughs!"
"Oh Dec, it might not be that bad," scolded Donna. "You might even end up having a nice time."
"And the worst part is that I can't even whinge about it to you when I'm back!"
"Oh, thanks!" laughed Donna. "So as well as a comedian I'm also your agony aunt?"
"Something like that," said Declan with a grin.
"Well, offload to Zeke!"
"It's not the same."
"What, because you're too manly?" joked Donna, but she looked touched all the same and Declan said, "Yeah, we can only drink beer and eat chips."
"Oh whatever, I bet you even paint each other's nails in your spare time. Where is Indy, anyway? Shouldn't she be back from work?"
"She's doing an extra shift."
"Well, I know Zeke and Jess have gone to pick up Theo from Sarah's party," said Donna, sounding like she was trying not to laugh. "And Isaac and Alex to their friends' houses, so I'm free for a while. Do you want to just hang out? We can watch a video of Didge, if you want?" she added tentatively. "If you want to."
"Of course I do," said Declan in a slightly rough voice. "It's nice watching it with you."
"Let's watch the one in the school playground," said Donna. "Where Justine managed to bump into her and spill his drink down his shirt."
"Definitely that one then," said Declan with a grin and went to set it up.
The day was quiet when India finally left the store. The sun was slightly lower in the sky, casting a final, golden glaze over the day and the streets were hushed. It was the last breath of the day. India stopped and looked out across the town before beginning to walk back, stopping by the park for a moment. This time last week....India shook herself, though lingered for a moment and began to walk back. She was nearly at her street when she saw Theo kicking a ball around and not looking very happy.
"Hey!" she called, coming up to him. "What's up?"
Theo took one look at her and shouted, "You suck!" before picking his ball up and going into his backyard by the gate. He left it open and India followed him in, feeling a little rude although she was sure Zeke and Jess wouldn't mind.
"What's wrong? What's happened?"
"You made me go to Sarah's party!"
"Didn't you have a nice time?" India asked in a worried voice, beginning to feel anxious.
"No!" shouted Theo. "It sucked! Mum and Dad made me wear black trousers and a shirt and all the other girls were wearing skirts or jeans and I looked really dumb. I was the only guy there and Sarah didn't even talk to me, she just went really red and all the girls kept whispering and giggling. Why isn't there a law against that? Then it got a bit better and we had some cake and stuff but then one of the girls said we should play Spin the Bottle and I said I had to go and waited outside her house for half an hour before Mum and Dad came to pick me up!"
"Oh Theo, I'm sorry," said India, feeling awful, but he continued, "And then Sarah came running out right before they came and tried to kiss me or something and then I pushed her away and she started crying and then Mum and Dad came just in time to see everything. Why do girls always have to cry?"
"I'm really sorry Theo," said India, feeling like an idiot. "I'm sorry I made you go."
"Yeah, you should be," said Theo unmercifully. "I don't think I can talk to her properly again and you lied, you said I'd feel better. I still felt sick, my heart went really fast. I could have died!"
"You wouldn't have died."
"Huh," snorted Theo.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No," said Theo shortly so India quickly left, not bothering to see Zeke and Jess beforehand and made her way home, feeling like a moron. She couldn't give romantic advice to anyone so what had made her think she could give it to eleven-year-olds?
"Dad!" India started to say, as she came in. "You were right. Theo had such a bad time and so did Sarah –"
India stopped talking as she heard voices and realised that her father wasn't alone. Frowning, she kicked her shoes off and walked into the sitting room to see a video of her mother on the TV screen. India felt her heart turn over.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" India heard her father ask and Donna reply, "Yeah, she was."
India stood motionless for a moment, considering joining them, but then didn't know what she could say and so quietly walked away from the laughing face of her mother on the screen, looking young and carefree, whom she so desperately wished she could remember.
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Post by Bee on Jun 1, 2011 11:13:49 GMT
nice update sophie (: cant wait for more (:
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Post by sophie on Jun 1, 2011 13:12:18 GMT
Thanks!
Over the next few days India tried to talk to Theo but he wouldn't listen.
"Let him be, Indy," said Zeke, on Monday after school. "He'll come round."
"I just want him to know that I'm sorry."
"Look, it's not that big a deal," said Zeke, looking slightly amused. "He got a bit embarrassed at a girl's birthday party – it's not the end of the world and it will probably happen again. I know he feels annoyed about it now but he'll get over it – he'll probably be laughing about it this time next week."
"I don't know about that."
"Okay, maybe not next week but it won't be for long. He just wants to be left alone for now."
"I guess," sighed India, leaning slightly on one leg. "Just tell him I'm sorry."
"He knows you are. I'll pass on the message though."
"Thanks."
"It's not funny!" India exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, Indy," gasped Declan, not sounding it. "But you have to admit it's a bit funny."
"Not for him," said India. "And not for Sarah, either, or me. I made him go to her party and humiliated them both!"
"Oh Indy, they're just kids. When they're older they'll look back and laugh."
"Yeah, when they're older," agreed India. "How much older?"
"Look, Indy, I don't know. They're eleven, it won't take that long."
"Stephanie never forgave me for chucking that calculator at her."
"That's different! Look on the bright side: at least Theo's not in love with you anymore."
"Yeah, now he hates me," said India gloomily and Declan sighed and put an arm around her.
"He doesn't hate you – you're like a sister."
"You don't want to go out with your sister!"
"Indy, you know what I mean! He's grown up with you, he's not going to turn around and start hating you for giving him some bad advice!"
"I guess."
They fell silent for a moment and India was about to turn and go into her room when Declan suddenly said, "How's Jamie, anyway?"
"He's fine," said India in a puzzled voice, and Declan quickly said, "I thought of it after you mentioned Stephanie. You haven't spoken about him in ages."
India shrugged and Declan asked, "Are you not friends anymore?"
"Of course we're still friends," said India uncomfortably. "We've just been busy."
"That never used to stop you. Is it because of your fight?"
India was still quiet and Declan said, "You know, it's really not worth throwing a friendship away over."
"It's complicated, Dad!" India snapped and Declan looked a little hurt.
"I'm sorry," she added quickly. "I didn't mean to snap. It's just...I don't know. I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," said Declan. "Sorry."
"No it's – I'm sorry."
India felt embarrassed and looked away, wishing that her father hadn't brought her fight with Jamie up and didn't want to admit that he had a point, although India knew that he was right. She hadn't meant to stop talking to Jamie, it just sort of happened, and now things felt awkward and she hated it. But before India could mull any further on it there was a sudden snort from Declan as he said, "It is kind of funny!" and although India shouted at him, she was glad he was laughing. He had gone around with a sad expression all weekend and hadn't wanted to talk about it, not even to Rebecca on Sunday, who had exchanged worried looks with India, and when she had gone India had caught him holding a picture of Bridget from the box and staring at it with an odd, glazed expression on his face, but as she had moved to tiptoe away he had heard her and shook himself, before quickly stuffing the picture in his pocket and going to talk to her. That was weird too – Declan normally liked talking about Bridget but he had clammed up all weekend.
"Last week of school next week, huh?" he asked, looking up at his daughter. "You excited?"
"I'm not little, Dad," grinned India, but she did feel excited, all the same. She was excited for the holidays and for Christmas and for no longer being grounded and seeing Elliot whenever she wanted, but the other part of her was sad because Donna was going home on Saturday night and school would finish after she had gone.
"I bet you are," said Declan, poking her and she shrieked, "Dad, stop!"
"Okay," laughed Declan, and when she had gone he took the picture of Bridget out of his pocket again, in her school dress, wondering where all the time had gone.
The next few days went quickly by and too soon it was Friday and Donna would be going home the next day.
"Are you sure there's no party?" asked Donna suspiciously and then rolled her eyes as Declan and Zeke exclaimed, "YES!" together.
"Fine," she said sulkily. "I just wanted to know, so you know, I wouldn't be surprised."
" Isn't that the point?"
"No, the point is that you're wearing the right kind of outfit. Look, I have to know, for my fashion sense alone!"
"There's no party," said Declan, putting a hand on her shoulder. "But, if you like, I can try and get something together – it's pretty late notice though."
"We thought you were happy with just drinks," Zeke added and Donna looked ashamed and said, "Guys, I wasn't trying to hint – drinks sound great. Better than great. Perfect."
They all laughed and Donna went as pink as her milkshake. There was a slight lull in conversation and finally Donna finished her drink and, twizzling the straw round, asked, "So how're things with you guys?"
"Don't ask," said Zeke, wrinkling his nose. "My eleven-year-old has practically turned into a hermit and won't come out of his room unless it's for the bathroom or for food and then, when he starts to cheer up a bit, Alex and Isaac tease him so much he goes and hides again."
"Poor kid," said Declan. "At least Indy doesn't have that worry about either."
"Imagine having three girls," said Donna wickedly. "And three sisters fighting all the time."
Declan went slightly pale and said, "That wouldn't have happened, even if – we would only have had one more kid anyway and it would have been a boy."
"How do you know?"
"Because I – I just do, okay?" exclaimed Declan over their laughter, ignoring Zeke's comment of, "Declan Napier can overrule any kind of biology by just knowing."
"We would have kept trying, okay?"
"So what if you got a girl every time and had like ten daughters?"
"Stop it!" exclaimed Declan. "Don't go there! This is dumb, anyway. I only have one daughter and she's enough either way."
They fell silent again, apart from the odd giggle and Declan sulked into his drink, feeling embarrassed.
"How's Indy, anyway?" asked Donna. "How much longer is she grounded until again?"
"Saturday," said Declan . "She's practically climbing the walls. Elliot's gone away for a few days so it's going to be one big romantic reunion."
"You sound so happy," said Zeke sarcastically and Declan made a face.
"I thought you'd come round?" asked Donna and he sighed.
"I don't know. I don't mind him as much as I did, but it's just...he seems to be all she thinks about and whenever I see them it's like they're glued together."
"Like father, like daughter, hey?"
"Oh come on, that was different."
"Because it was you? The only difference is that she's your daughter so it feels weird."
"And he's older."
"Not much older."
"Old enough!"
Donna and Zeke exchanged looks but didn't see anything until Donna finally said, "Promise me, Dec, that you'll try and not overthink it. Isn't the most important thing India being happy?"
"Yeah."
"Just talk to her."
"Don't go," Declan blurted out. "Please. We need you too much!"
"You don't need me," said Dona, but she looked touched.
"Yes we do," contradicted Zeke and Declan added, "We need you to hang out with."
"You can hang out with each other!"
"It's not the same."
"I need you for parental advice," Declan added and Donna exclaimed, "Guys, don't do this to me. Look – I'm back in February, that's barely any time at all."
"I guess," said Zeke gloomily.
"And I promised to update Rachel on everything," Donna added. "And Eva, Francesca and Caitlin. They've missed me too."
"You're too indemand," joked Declan but he looked sad and Donna put her arms around them.
"I'm not far emotionally."
"Ah, Donna," groaned Zeke, but she ignored him and said, "Don't try and be all macho. Come on guys. It's not too far and it's not too long."
"Long enough," said Declan and none of them corrected him.
It was the last Friday of term and India put her bags away. It all seemed to have gone by very quickly, almost impossibly so, but soon it would be summer, she thought, and she and Elliot would be able to spend whole days together when they weren't working. She smiled a little to herself but her good mood was damaged when she found herself walking behind Jamie and Stephanie on the way out who were holding hands. India childishly stuck a finger down her throat and then nearly did so for real as her phone beeped, making her jump. Feeling stupid, she took the phone out and saw that she had a text from Elliot:
I can't wait to see you on Saturday. NSW is too far away xxxx
India smiled to herself, feeling uplifted again. Elliot had gone for a few days to see his brother and to look around the university and had said on Wednesday afternoon, "Don't forget me."
"Don't be dumb!" India had laughed and they had kissed again, and then again, and then again, until it was time for him to go home. Now it was Friday and India only had one more day to wait and she ran home, Jamie and Stephanie forgotton.
"Go and get changed," Declan said, as she hurried inside. "We're leaving in half an hour," and India had hurried to her bedroom, still walking on air.
"Shut your eyes!"
"What?" asked Donna, laughing.
They had just reached the local bar, her, Declan, India, Zeke and Jess and India repeated, "Close them!"
"Okay, okay," sighed Donna, allowing them to lead her inside and then jumped as they came inside and everyone shouted, "SURPRISE!", making Donna jump.
"I knew it!" she shrieked, still with her eyes closed. "Can I open them now?"
"Yes!" everyone laughed and Donna opened them, grinning, and said, "I'm glad I wore this dress in case. Oh you guys, you didn't have to do all this – Rebecca!" she exclaimed, as Rebecca suddenly emerged from the group of people, grinning. There was a band and a space for a dancefloor with a banner hanging over it reading,
Bon Voyage Donna!
"This is amazing!" Donna exclaimed and, turning to Rebecca, she asked, "Did you organise it?"
"Some of it," she said. "But it was your friends' idea."
"Oh, guys!" said Donna, looking emotional, and suddenly hugging Declan and Zeke and making them embarrassed.
"We love you too," mumbled Declan and Donna hugged him again, making him go red.
"Who wants a drink?" Rebecca announced, ending the slight awkwardness, and everyone cheered.
"Presents first!" Jess called out and Donna looked emotional again.
"I'm coming back in a just over a month –"
"Open," instructed Zeke, throwing something at her, and Donna caught it, remarking, "I hope it's not breakable. Oh, Zeke, Jess, that's gorgeous!"
It was a woollen cardigan that came with matching jewellery and Donna hugged it to herself.
"For the cold winter," Jess added.
"This is from us," said India shyly, handing over a smaller gift and Donna unwrapped it, looking confused and then gasping. It was a locket.
"There's a picture of me and Dad on one side," said India and Declan added, "And a picture of the old gang on the either. See – Didge is there too."
"It's perfect," whispered Donna, hugging them, and India thought she spotted some wetness around her eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," said Donna bravely. "Now – how about that drink?"
The night wore on and everyone drank and danced until finally Donna collapsed onto a seat next to India.
"I'm worn out," she announced.
"Me too!"
"Hey, you're the young one – you're letting the side down!"
"Sorry."
"So," said Donna. "Looking forward to summer?"
"Yeah," grinned India and Donna poked her and said, "And seeing Elliot I bet!"
"Yeah," grinned India and they both started giggling.
"You're going to have a great summer."
"What about you, going into winter? It's going to be so cold."
"I know, I've packed mittens in my hand luggage. I'm going to miss hanging out with you in the sun and hearing the gossip."
"Oh, you can't go," said India. "I'm going to miss you. I need you!"
"Not this again!"
"But I do! Who am I going to talk to about boy problems?"
"You have a boyfriend!"
"Yeah, but they're confusing!"
"You've got Rebecca," said Donna. "And all your friends at school."
"I won't have you though."
"You don't need me."
"Yes, I do."
They fell silent and India lay her head on Donna shoulder and said, "You're my godmum," and Donna didn't reply, but kissed the top of her head and stroked it.
"You'll be okay," she said finally.
"What if I'm not?"
"You can call."
"That's not the same."
"I know," sighed Donna. "Well, do you want to know my advice if things go crazy?"
"What?"
"Go crazy too. It always makes you feel better."
India couldn't help but burst out laughing and Donna hugged and kissed her again and then suddenly Zeke was calling, "Speech, speech!"
"Guys," groaned Donna, getting up but they all shouted, "Speech, speech!" again.
"I don't have anything really to say," said Donna awkwardly, standing by the bar. "You guys didn't give me much warning! Still, I guess I wing most things anyway."
There was an appreciative laugh.
"Well, I guess the first thing is thank you," continued Donna. "Thank you to the bar staff, thank you to the band and thank you to Rebecca so much for putting it all together, and to Zeke and Declan. But I guess my biggest thank you is to my friends. You're the reason I keep coming back, you're what I miss most and what I carry with me and I just hope that....whenever you see a shrugalaro you think of me!"
Everyone burst into laughter and Donna lifted her glass saying, "To friendship!"
"To friendship!" everyone echoed and India wiped away her tears.
"I'll see you in the morning," Donna said, hugging India. "It's not a goodbye, it's just a goodnight."
"I know," sniffled India, trying to smile. "Bye."
"What did I just tell you? It's goodnight!"
"Goodnight then!" exclaimed India and they laughed.
"You'll be okay," said Donna again and India nodded and they hugged again.
"Dec," Donna said. "I'll see you in the morning, you liar."
"Hey, it was a good lie!"
"Yeah, it was," smiled Donna. "It was the best. Thanks."
"It's okay...."
"I'll see you in the morning?" Donna asked and he nodded, waved to her and put an arm around India.
"We'll see her tomorrow," he reminded his daughter as they approached their street.
"I know, but..."
"I know," said Declan quietly, and then frowned. "Who's that?"
India stared and then felt her heart thump in her chest.
"It's Elliot!" she exclaimed joyfully. "Dad, can I –"
"Go on," nodded Declan, and she ran towards him, stumbling over her feet.
"Hey!" she shrieked, throwing her arms around him. "What are you doing back so early? God, I've missed you!"
"Hey," Elliot said, returning her kiss. "I missed you too. Can we go for a walk?"
"Sure," said India, taking his hand and, walking past Declan, asked, "Can we go for a quick walk?"
"As long as it's quick," said Declan. "No longer than half an hour. Have you got your phone?"
India nodded and they walked with their arms wrapped around each other's waists to the park.
"What is it? You're so quiet."
"It's nothing," insisted Elliot, smiling quickly at her, but India thought he had an odd look in his eyes. There was a full moon in the sky.
"I've missed you," said India, kissing him again, their shadows entwined in the moonlight.
"I've missed you too," he said quietly and India pulled away, staring.
"What's wrong?"
"Indy, I got into an art school."
"That's great!" India exclaimed. "Which one?"
"New South Wales."
"Well done," India said again, but he wasn't smiling. "What is it? Isn't it the one you wanted?"
"It's the best," he said quietly. "But it's so far away. It's too far away."
"What do you mean?" asked India, her heart thumping, and he took her hand and said gently, "We have to end it."
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Post by sophie on Jun 2, 2011 11:41:37 GMT
India stared at him and tugged her hand away. She must have misheard.
"What?"
"Indy, the course starts in a couple of months and I have to find somewhere to live and everything –"
"So you want to end it," said India angrily and he exclaimed, "No, I don't want to end it, but I don't see another choice!"
"It's not that far away!" said India, trying to ignore the feeling that she was about to cry. "You're acting as if you were going to England or something – it's the next state!"
"But it's not on the border," said Elliot, looking upset as well. "Actually, it is – the wrong border. It's practically in Queensland, that's not a short drive."
"I don't care," said India stubbornly. "I can see you on weekends and –"
"How's that going to work? You have work on Saturdays anyway and you don't have your license and even if you did, it's such a long way to travel –"
"And you won't even try and think of something!" shouted India. "You just want to give up on everything!"
"I don't, I'm being realistic so we don't get hurt later in the long run!"
"Oh, like you're making it easy," said India sarcastically, but then she took his hands again. "Look – do we have to decide this now? The course isn't until what, the start of February? We have the whole summer."
"Indy, I want to move over soon. I'm going to stay with my brother so I can find somewhere to live and figure things out."
India dropped his hands and looked away.
"School finishes next week," she said quietly. "I'm not grounded anymore, we should spend the whole summer together..."
"Indy, it won't work," he said gently and India finally lost her temper and stood up.
"It won't work?!" she echoed angrily. "And you've just decided that without consulting me. I thought there were two people in this relationship."
"Indy, it's not that –"
"And you've just gone and dropped this on me!" she shouted. "Right out of the blue! What happened to NSW is too far away, can't wait to see you? What happened to that? I thought you..."
She stopped talking and turned around and Elliot went over and took her arms, making her look at him.
"I still feel exactly the same."
"So what the hell is this?" cried India. "What was the point of it all? What was the point of me seeing you in secret, what was the point of me getting my dad to like you, what was the point of me getting grounded for you, what was the point of me sleeping with you?"
"Indy!" exclaimed Elliot, looking devastated. "I didn't want this to happen. I only found out I got in last night. If I keep on seeing you up until the course starts it's like we're waiting on a date and it will hurt you more, it will hurt us more. I don't want to hurt you."
"That's a good one!" snorted India. "You don't want to hurt me! Well, that hasn't worked out!"
"I'm sorry –"
"You're sorry?" shouted India, wrenching his arms away. "If you were sorry you wouldn't be doing this!"
"Indy, I have to."
"No, you don't," India flatly contradicted and she looked away.
They fell silent for a moment, India taking deep, shuddering breaths. It felt like the end of the world.
"I lost my virginity to you," she finally said in a quiet voice.
"Indy –"
"I thought that meant something!" she said in a choked voice and then couldn't take it anymore, and when Elliot tried to hug her she pushed him away and shouted, "Don't touch me!"
"India!"
"No," said India tearfully. "I love you. I thought you loved me."
"I do love you!" Elliot said, and then India knew he was going to cry, and knew that she wouldn't be able to bear it, and so she turned and ran away, falling over her feet, ignoring his cries of, "India!", the tears she had suppressed finally streaming down her cheeks. The night was hushed and still apart from the pounding of her feet and silent crying. A shadow passed across the moon.
The front door banged open and shut and Declan looked up from his newspaper.
"That was quick!" he remarked. "I thought you'd take that full half-hour to your advantage!"
India didn't reply and didn't stop but carried on running into her own room, slamming the door. Declan frowned and stood up.
"India?" he said, knocking on her door. "Indy?"
There was no reply, even after his second knock and though India silently willed him to go away, feeling too tearful to ask, Declan finally pushed open her door to find his daughter face down on the bed, hugging her teddy bear with her face in the pillow.
"India!" he exclaimed, worry beginning to course though him. "What is it? What's happened?"
India wouldn't answer and Declan started to feel really worried.
"India!" he exclaimed. "You have to tell me what's happened! Has he done something?"
"Go away," mumbled India and Declan said stubbornly, "Not until you've told me what's happened."
India didn't answer but said into her pillow, "We broke up."
Declan sat back on his heels, reeling. He had not expected that – an argument maybe, but they had not seemed to be on the brink of splitting up.
"What?" he exclaimed. "Why?"
India finally lifted her tear-streaked face up, looking blotchy, and said, "He doesn't want to be with me anymore."
"Why not?" asked Declan, still feeling stunned and India managed to say, "He's going to an art school," before she dissolved into tears again and put her face back into the pillow.
Declan felt terrible. It was what he had warned India of, over and over, but he had never really thought about it happening and he didn't even want to say, I told you so. All Declan wanted to do was take the pain for his daughter.
"When?" he asked blankly. "And where?"
"New South Wales," said India, still to her pillow. "And it doesn't start for ages but he wants to move out now and says there's no point in carrying on. I guess that's all I meant to him."
"Oh, Indy," said Declan, putting his hand on her back. "It's not that."
"Well, what is it then?" shouted India, sitting up again and feeling hurt and angry that her father didn't seem equally as furious. "We've been going out for ages, we were good together and he said he loved me –"
She started crying again and Declan felt helpless.
"Sweetheart, it's okay."
"How can you say that?" wailed India and Declan said, "You'll find someone better."
"I don't want someone better!" India shouted. "I want him! I don't want anyone else!"
"Indy," said Declan, feeling upset. "Look – why don't you go and wash your face and I'll make you some hot chocolate?"
India's look of disgust said it all.
"I'm not a little kid!"
"It might help," said Declan, feeling slightly desperate and India said, "Do you know what will help? Take me back in time so I didn't go to that stupid party. Go back in time and make me stay home."
"Indy."
"I wish I'd never met him!"
"You don't mean that and I can't do that."
"You can't help then," sobbed India, putting her face back in the pillow, and though Declan sat with her for a while she wouldn't look back up and though he made and brought her a hot chocolate anyway, she wouldn't drink it, and when he put it on the table and kissed her India still wouldn't look up and so finally Declan left her but could hear her crying long into the night.
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Post by sophie on Jun 5, 2011 21:16:31 GMT
India opened her eyes. For a moment all she could see were rainbows, because her eyelashes were glued together, and for a moment she lay still and watched the colours before finally sitting up slightly and wiping the moisture away. At first, India didn't know why she felt sad, and why she was still in her clothes and had dried tears on her cheeks, but then she looked across the room and saw the undrunk cup of hot chocolate and it all came flooding back and India lay down again, wishing it was all a dream. She huddled back under her doonah, clenching her eyes shut, playing pretend as though she was small again – it didn't happen, we didn't break up, everything's fine – but then her alarm clock shouting reality went off and, sniffling, India sat back up and turned it off, feeling herself begin to cry again. How had it happened? How? She sat motionless, it was still early and the birds were calling outside and sun was streaming through the curtains. It was time to get up. It was time to get up and get dressed – India supposed she had that part sorted – and make breakfast and go to work and instinctively India hid under the doonah again, like a child avoiding school, not wanting to face the world.
"India Napier," she mumbled to herself, lying on her side in the world of the blanket. "You have to get up. You won't feel better by not going to work."
And I won't feel better by going, she argued back to herself.
"Come on," she said out loud. "You are not going to sit here and cry all day."
India lay still for a few more minutes, battling with herself, before finally getting up and stretching. She took a sip from the hot chocolate Declan had made her the night before, in her favourite cup which had different coloured fish on it, the one she had always asked to drink out of when she was little, and it had gone cold but India drank it anyway. There was a picture of her and Elliot on the desk and India stared at it sadly, mesmerised, before angrily slamming it over so it lay face down on the desk with only the back of it for India to look at. She stared at it anyway, her heart beating in her chest and instinctively wanting to right it, but then she turned roughly away, picking up her work clothes and a towel and went to go and have a shower, her own tears rolling down her face as well as the hot water.
Declan got up early, stretching and hoped India was okay. He couldn't help but feel very anxious – he had never seen his daughter cry in such a way and the worse thing was that he didn't know how to help. It was all very well to say that it was just a breakup but he knew how strongly India had felt about Elliot, and how intense it had been, even if he didn't want to think about that, and he tiptoed to her bedroom, wondering if he should go and check on her. There was no sound and Declan almost opened the door, to make sure she was all right, but then he shook his head and decided that she'd probably rather be alone and went to the kitchen. Declan poured himself some cornflakes and orange juice, wondering if he should leave the things out for India, and then had an idea. He had just finished putting the bowl and plate on the tray when he heard running water and was surprised. India must be up but he hadn't expected her to want to get up at all, and just as he added the finishing touches (a few small flowers in a vase) India came into the kitchen, her curls slightly damp and dressed for work.
"Dad," she said, in a tired voice. "What's this?"
"You're going to work?" Declan asked in surprise, ignoring his daughter's question.
"Of course I'm going to work," said India in a determined voice, pouring herself some orange juice. "I'm not going to be one of those girls who sits around and mopes about her boyfriend – or ex-boyfriend," she finished sadly.
"India," said Declan, feeling a little flabbergasted. "You broke up with him last night. It's not moping if you feel sad about it and want a break from it all. I'll totally understand if you'd rather stay home – I mean, you were so upset last night."
"What's staying at home going to do?" demanded India, trying not to let her voice wobble. "It won't earn me money, it won't take my mind off stuff and it won't change anything."
"Well, no, but –"
"I'd rather go to work and not think about it."
"I don't know if that will work," Declan couldn't help saying and India glared slightly, before asking again, "What's this?" and pointing at the tray.
"Oh, it's just....I thought you might want breakfast in bed," said Declan, feeling embarrassed. "And I just picked some daisies from the garden and stuff...it's nothing, really."
"Cereal, toast and orange juice," listed India, staring at the tray. "Dad, you went all out!"
"Yeah, well...."
"Dad, I can make my own breakfast," said India, but she looked touched. "I'm not sick."
"I know," said Declan awkwardly and then India, feeling ungrateful, quickly added, "Not that I don't like it....you didn't have to."
"I wanted to," said Declan. "Guess I didn't need to now though, huh?"
"I can eat it off the tray," joked India. "And in my bedroom, if you like, and get back into bed?"
Declan laughed and took food and vase off the tray.
"That's okay."
So India ate breakfast with the small vase of the flowers next to her and added, "Anyway, it's Donna's last day. I don't want to look miserable for her."
Declan looked anxious again.
"She'll understand. Sweetheart, do you really want to go in?"
"Yes, Dad," snapped India, taking her bowl and plate to the sink. "I don't want to just sit in bed all day!"
"You can watch TV," said Declan wryly but India just gave him a look and said, "Goodbye, Dad. Thank you for breakfast."
"Bye," Declan said, waving to her as she picked her bag up and hurried out, but he couldn't help but have a bad feeling about it all, but resigned himself to clearing away the breakfast and putting away the unused tray, placing the vase by the window – it seemed to shame to throw them away carelessly, even though they wouldn't live long.
"He what?"
"I know," said Declan heavily. "He split up with her last night."
Donna stared at him, looking almost comical, the straw splashing back into her drink.
"Why?" she exclaimed and Declan said, "He's going to an art school in New South Wales and says it's too far away."
"What a jerk," said Donna with feeling.
"Come on, Donna. He's going to live in another state."
"Are you sticking up for him?" Donna asked incredulously and Declan said irritably, "No! Yes! No – look, I hate what this is doing to Indy and I feel mad at him, but I can understand why he's splitting up with her. I just wish that they had thought this through before going out in the first place."
"Dec," said Donna, giving him a look. "You can't not go out with someone because that kind of thing might happen. I don't think they'll regret their relationship."
"Tell that to Indy," said Declan, drinking more of his milkshake. "Tell my daughter who cried herself to sleep last night and is in total denial today!"
"What do you mean, total denial?"
"She insisted on going to work and everything."
"I think that's part of it," said Donna. "Keeping herself busy."
"How long's it going to last?" asked Declan. "Before it all hits her again?"
"That depends."
"I've never seen Indy so upset," said Declan miserably. "She was hysterical."
"She'll get through it."
"What do I say to her?" demanded Declan. "What do I say to make her feel better?"
"Nothing. Just be there for her – she'll need her dad."
"I didn't feel very needed last night."
"She needs you," said Donna, putting her hand on his. "Badly, even if she doesn't seem it. Believe me. She'll be so happy to have you there – particularly if she wants to shout some abuse about guys."
"Oh, fantastic," said Declan sarcastically, but he did feel slightly better.
"What time's Indy meeting us again?"
"Ten minutes," said Declan, checking his watch. "And listen, Donna – don't tell her I told you."
"But I'm her godmother!"
"She doesn't want to talk about it," said Declan forcefully. "Let her talk about it if she wants to – just keep this conversation between us."
"Fine," sighed Donna. "I'll do my best!"
India hated having to admit that her dad had a point. She had stacked shelves, arranged displays and served customers and everything seemed to remind her of him. Some kids had left a mess from where they were browsing and knocked some packets onto the floor and as she picked them up she saw they were the same lollies Elliot had bought for his sisters when he had come in just to see her and they had kissed over the counter and she'd got in trouble but it had been worth it and she held them, her heart turning over, and feeling tears building up.
"India!" barked Mr Wheezer, making her jump.
"Yes?" sniffled India, trying to sound normal.
"What are you doing just staring at those lollies for?"
"I...I...." India couldn't think what to say but was saved by, "Could you stop daydreaming, we're behind schedule," so India had to put the packet back and swallow her tears, hating the day, hating her life and wishing she was home.
"No, you don't," she hissed to herself. "You'd feel worse," and she roughly wiped at her cheeks and took a deep breath of air to calm herself. Finally, at long, lost last, her shift was over but India's relief was short-lived as she stepped outside and saw an all too familiar figure.
"India."
"I don't have time," said India automatically, when she had got over the shock of seeing Elliot and she went to march away. Elliot ran over and grabbed her arm.
"Can we talk?"
"No, we can't talk!" snapped India, wrenching her arm away from his. "I don't have time!"
"India, please!"
"I'm meeting my dad," India said angrily. "And my godmother. People who care about me!"
"Look, we can't leave it like that!"
"You wanted to leave it!" India shouted, trying not to break at the expression on his face. "You were the one who wanted to end it so you'll have to deal with it!"
"I just –"
"Leave me alone!" cried India, and Elliot's shoulders sagged and he let her walk away, staring at her, but India wouldn't look back.
"Hey," said Donna affectionately, putting an arm around India as she slid into a chair. "Are you okay?"
India gave her a look.
"Dad told you."
Declan winced and knew that he should never have trusted Donna with a secret.
"Yeah, but that's okay," said Donna desperately. "I just want to know if you're okay."
"I'm fine," grumbled India, staring at the table and Declan ventured, "You look upset."
"I'm fine!" exclaimed India, not wishing to discuss her encounter with Elliot. "I mean, I'm not great, but I'm okay. Can we please just order some milkshakes?"
Donna and Declan exchanged worried looks but did as India asked, and did not mention Elliot again.
"So what are you doing now?" Declan asked, an hour later, and Donna said, "Just double-checking that everything's packed, you know, and I might take the boys to the playground or something."
"All right. We'll see you later then," said Declan, and he and India left the cafe, India's sad smile showing again how miserable she felt and Donna's heart broke for her, and on the way back she decided to see someone.
"Hey Didge," Donna said sadly, kneeling at her best friend's grave. "I'm sorry it's been a while."
There was a pause and Donna bunched her hands in her lap.
"It's not that I don't think about you anymore," she added. "Or that I don't care. I don't miss you in the same way Dec does, but I still miss you so much – you're my best mate. It's never been the same without you."
Donna wiped some tears away before shaking herself and saying, "Indy's growing into such a beautiful woman. She looks so much like you, she has your amazing eyes. Everyone talks about you two having the same hair but it's all in those eyes, those amazing blue eyes you have, and she still has that furrow in her forehead, just like you"
Donna felt her voice break.
"She's so grown up," she said, taking a deep breath. "But she's still just a kid and I'm going home now – you know what I mean. I won't be here and Indy needs me. She needs you more though, you're her mum, and she's hurting so much – can you just promise me you'll watch over her? I know you do, wherever you are, but can you look out for her especially now? She's devastated but she's trying to hide it. We've all done that. I did that. Can you ask Ringo to help too?" Donna asked. "And just...say hi from me," she finished, and then reached into her pocket and took out a photo.
"It's us," she managed to smile. "I brought it especially. I promise to come more next time. I love you Didge. I love both you guys," and Donna got to her knees, still crying slightly, and made her way home and made herself smile.
India felt miserable for the rest of the day but tried not to show it, yet when she and her father got to the airport and had a drink with Donna, Zeke and Jess, Donna took her aside from the others.
"Donna, where are you going?" Declan asked and she called, "We'll just be a sec!" and sat India down on a bench.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked and India nodded.
"Positive?"
India tried to say that she was but could only shrug.
"You don't have to pretend around me, you know," said Donna gently, putting an arm around her. India looked away.
"Indy."
"It's just....I'm so angry," she said in a tight voice. "But I know I'm going to miss him so much. I already do."
A tear rolled down her cheek and Donna gave her a kiss.
"Remember what I said to do when things go a bit crazy?"
India managed to smile but said rather flatly, "I don't really feel much like going crazy now."
"No. I know how hard it is. Just promise me something."
"What?"
"Don't be afraid to feel what you feel," said Donna, making India look at her, and she felt young as she nodded.
"I'll miss you, Donna," she sniffled and her godmother promised, "I'm only a phonecall away."
"Donna!" Zeke suddenly called. "They're announcing your flight!"
"Come on," said Donna, getting up and taking India's hand, and they ran back to group calling, "We're coming, we're coming!"
"Have a safe trip," said Jess, hugging her. "And travel safe."
"You know I will."
Donna hugged her back and then turned to Zeke.
"Zeke," she said, hugging him too. "I'm going to miss you. Look after your boys, okay? Try and get Theo to stop being a hermit!"
"That's why I need you to stay," retorted Zeke. "You're the only one who can do that!"
Donna laughed and turned to Declan.
"Dec," she said, hugging him tightly. "Look after yourself and Indy. I'll see you soon."
"Too soon," joked Declan, and she punched him on the arm before turning to her goddaughter and giving her a gentle hug and kiss. India wanted to cry.
"It's not too long," she insisted in a wobbly voice.
"No," agreed India quietly.
"You're going to be okay," Donna whispered into her ear and India managed a nod. "Call whenever."
"Everyone boarding, now please!" came a shout and Donna sighed, waved at everyone and laughed as Zeke shouted, "Tell Rach she still owes me ten bucks for guessing the sex of Alex wrong!"
"She says you have to take pounds!" Donna shouted back and they all laughed and called, "Goodbye Donna, goodbye!" until she had rounded the corner and was out of sight.
"It's been a long day," yawned Declan when they had got back. "Do you want a cup of tea?"
"No thanks," said India quietly. "I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed."
"Are you sure?" asked Declan, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "Don't you want to watch some daggy TV?"
"No, I just want to sleep."
"I can bring some tea to your room?"
"No, thanks," said India, and she hugged her father. "Night, Dad."
"Night, sweetheart," said Declan watching her go, and it was only when India was in her pyjamas, holding her teddy bear and had the light out that it all came back: Elliot was leaving and Donna was gone and India began to cry silently; feeling that her world was tumbling apart.
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Post by sophie on Jun 8, 2011 10:50:11 GMT
The following afternoon there was a knock on the door and, frowning, Declan went to answer it, looking over his shoulder to ensure that the pans weren’t bubbling over, and glancing at his watch. It was too early for Rebecca to be here.
“You!” Declan exclaimed as he saw a completely different face to the one he had expected. “What are you doing here?”
“Can I talk to India?”
“No,” said Declan shortly, and Elliot looked confused. “She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Please,” begged Elliot, trying to get past. “I just want to talk to her. I’ll only be five minutes.”
Declan blocked his path.
“Mate, she doesn’t want to talk to you,” he said forcefully. “Do you want my advice?”
Elliot nodded silently.
“Leave her alone,” he said. “She’s too angry and upset right now.”
“Is she really hurt?” asked Elliot quietly and Declan exclaimed, “What do you think? She’s devastated!”
“Does she hate me?” asked Elliot and Declan sighed and said, “I don’t know. She probably thinks she does, but she doesn’t really.”
“Do you hate me?”
Declan looked at him.
“I don’t hate you,” he said shortly. “But you could have thought this through. You’re nineteen, you’re older than her, you knew you’d probably move away.”
“I thought I might get into Melbourne...”
“But you still applied for ones all over the country!” exclaimed Declan. “You still knew there was a good chance that you’d get into one of them and you should have thought of that before you started seeing her.”
“I know,” said Elliot, looking down. “But I didn’t want to think about that.”
“I told you not to hurt her.”
“I’m not trying to hurt her!” said Elliot with feeling, looking back up and staring at him. “I love her!”
It felt strange hearing the words and for a moment Declan didn’t know what to say.
“I couldn’t stay away from her,” he added. “Even though I knew it might not work out.”
“If you love her,” Declan was finally able to say, “then you’ll leave her alone until she wants to talk to you.”
“How long will that be?” exclaimed Elliot. “A month? A year? When? I’m moving next week.”
Declan couldn’t help but feel slightly sorry for him.
“I don’t know when,” he said. “But it’s not now. India will talk to you when she is ready and you have to respect that, even if it’s not for a long time.”
Elliot’s shoulders sagged and the fight went out of him.
“Will you just tell her I came?” he asked and Declan nodded.
“I’ll pass the message on.”
Elliot turned to walk away and when he was a few steps away Declan suddenly called, “Elliot!” and he looked up.
“She’ll forgive you,” he said and Elliot smiled slightly and then carried on walking. Declan watched him until he had rounded the corner and then turned back to the cooking. He heard a door open and India came out of her bedroom, still in her pyjamas and slippers.
“You’re not dressed yet?”
“What does it look like?”
“Well, could you hurry up?” asked Declan irritably. “It won’t be long until Grandma gets here and you haven’t even eaten breakfast.”
India raised her eyebrows slightly when he wasn’t looking and grabbed the cereal, milk and a bowl.
“Elliot came by,” said Declan casually when she had started eating and India’s shoulders froze for a moment.
“What did he want?” she asked, trying to sound normal.
“To talk to you. I asked him to leave.”
“Thanks, Dad,” said India gratefully.
“I think you should talk to him,” said Declan carefully and India said quietly, “I don’t want to.”
“I know you don’t, but he’s leaving next week, and –“
“I don’t care!” exclaimed India, swinging round on her chair.
“Come on, Indy,” said Declan. “He just wants to talk to you.”
“I thought you’d be on my side,” India said angrily. “I thought you’d be just as mad as me.”
“Sweetheart, I am always on your side, and I hate how upset you are, I just think you should talk to him before he leaves. I think you will regret it if you don’t.”
There was a pause but before India could open her mouth to answer, there was a knock on the door.
“That’s Grandma,” she said quickly and Declan sighed and went to open it, saying, “Go and get dressed!”
“Hey,” he said in a tired voice, as he opened the door, and Rebecca raised her eyebrows and said, “Hey to you too.”
“Sorry Mum,” said Declan wearily, letting her come through. “It’s just been a bit of a morning.”
“Have you been fighting with Indy again?”
“No,” said Declan, and she looked surprised. “It’s not that. It’s Elliot.”
“What’s he done?”
Decan lowered his voice, though he could hear India in the shower.
“He split up with Indy.”
“What?” exclaimed Rebecca, very loudly, and Declan winced. “Why?”
“He’s moving to New South Wales to go to an art school.”
Rebecca looked stunned.
“Oh, poor India,” she said with feeling. “She must be devastated.”
“That’s an understatement,” said Declan, going and flopping down on a sofa, his mother joining him. “Mum, I’m worried about her.”
“Of course you are.”
“No, more than I would be. It’s the way she’s reacting.”
Rebecca frowned.
“How do you mean?”
“She came home hysterical,” Declan elaborated. “I’ve never seen her cry so much, and I thought that the next day she’d still be the same, but she hasn’t shed a tear since, not in front of me at least. She’s just gone hard and angry and won’t admit that she’s hurting.”
Rebecca sighed slightly and looked upset.
“We all handle breakups in different ways,” she said eventually. “It’s not uncommon to pretend that there’s nothing wrong.”
“I wish she would,” said Declan. “I don’t know what to say to her. Elliot came round just before and when I told her she just didn’t want to know. What I’m worrying about is what will happen when it does hit her again and she will want to talk to him, but it will be too late. Then what?”
Rebecca looked troubled but then she looked up and said, “India!” and Declan looked up to see his daughter dressed and rubbing at her hair slightly with a towel.
“Hey sweetheart,” he said. “Why don’t you talk to Grandma while I finish lunch?”
Declan leapt up and almost ran to the kitchen and India looked after him before sitting next to her grandmother.
“You were talking about me,” she said shortly.
“Yes,” said Rebecca honestly. “But just because your dad’s worried about you. He just wanted me to let me know what’s going on.”
“Why is he worried?”
“Darling, you’ve broken up with Elliot.”
India looked uncomfortable but mumbled, “I’m fine.”
“Sweetheart. You must be heartbroken.”
India looked away.
“Indy. You can talk to me, you can always talk to me. Breakups are always hard, even if it was a short relationship.”
“I’m not saying that it was fun or anything,” said India in a stiff voice. “But my life’s not over or anything. I don’t want to be someone who relies on a boyfriend for happiness.”
“India!” exclaimed Rebecca. “Listen to me: you could never be like that. Mourning a relationship is not weak, it’s necessary, and it’s not relying on someone to feel sad when they split up with you!”
“It isn’t necessary,” contradicted India. “Not for me. I don’t want to do nothing all day and think about how it’s all over. How’s that going to help?”
“It will help you because it will help you accept it.”
“I have accepted it,” snapped India. “He split up with me and now he’s moving away.”
Rebecca gave her a look.
“You know what I mean. I mean accepting it in your heart. Have you spoken to him since?”
India gave her another look.
“No,” she said shortly. “And Dad has already gone through this with me.”
Rebecca took her hand.
“I understand why you don’t want to talk to him,” she said gently. “I understand completely why it is just about the last thing in the world you want to do, but you will feel so much better for it. It doesn’t seem it right now, I know, but if you get up the courage and sit down and talk to him you will feel a lot more at peace with it and a lot happier. You might not at first, but eventually you will. It’s never the best way to end something on a bitter note.”
“I don’t know what I want to say to him,” said India angrily. “I think if I see him I’ll hit him.”
“It might not be the easiest conversation you ever have,” said Rebecca. “And you might end up shouting, or even hitting him, but it will be good to get it out of your system rather than to wonder what if.”
“I don’t have anything to get out of my system,” said India blankly. “I shouted at him the first time, I don’t need to again. Everyone deals with stuff their own way, don’t they?”
“Yes, but –“
“This is my way,” said India, pushing herself off the sofa. “Why can’t anyone see that? I don’t want to sit in bed crying, I don’t want to go and talk to him. All I want to do is get on with things. We’ve split up and it is not the end of the world.”
“India,” said Rebecca sadly, staring at her, and India’s lip wobbled slightly, but then she seemed to give herself a shake and said, “I’ve just remembered that I need to write a birthday card,” and went to her room.
“She’s not okay, is she?” asked Declan, coming back to the sofa and sitting back down.
“No,” said Rebecca sadly, still looking at the closed door. “She’s definitely not.”
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Post by sophie on Jun 10, 2011 22:50:42 GMT
Over the next couple of days India remained the same and Declan continued to worry. She was more quiet than usual but still had the angry, tight look on her face, going into her room the minute she got home from school or just watching TV.
"Don't you have work?" Declan asked her on Monday night.
"School finishes on Wednesday!" India said, not turning her face away from the screen. "We haven't even had holiday assignments yet."
"Okay, okay," sighed Declan, putting his hands up, but couldn't help asking, "Do you really want to watch TV all evening?"
"I feel like it," grumbled India and Declan raised his eyebrows and left her alone, the phrase hell hath no fury like a woman scorned coming to mind. India turned back to the TV but wasn't really watching it. She had had a bad day at school.
"You split up!" Lydia had exclaimed, after India had finally told her. "When? Why didn't you tell me about before?"
"I didn't want to talk about it," said India. "I still don't really want to."
Lydia didn't take the hint.
"How come you broke up?" she demanded. "Are you devastated? I'd be devastated."
"He has to go to an art school," said India, gritting her teeth. "I'm fine."
"How the hell can you be fine?" Lydia had exclaimed. "You went out for months and you lost your virginity to him!"
"Lydia, can you not talk about that now?" begged India, wishing that her friend understood the meaning of tact. "It's private!"
"Well, yeah but –" Lydia seemed to run out of things to say. "Sorry."
"It's okay," said India shortly.
"How did he break up with you?"
"When he got back from New South Wales," said India. "We went for a walk and then he told me."
Lydia looked disappointed at the short length of the story.
"Did you yell at him?"
"Yeah."
"Do you hate him?"
India lost her patience.
"Yes, I hate him," she snapped. "And it was horrible, and I cried and I wish I had never met him!"
Lydia looked taken aback.
"Indy," she started to say, but India got up and said, "We've got class."
"Do you want to talk about it more after school?"
"No," snapped India, not caring that she was being rude. "I don't want to talk about it at all."
"Well, you don't have to take it out on me," retorted Lydia. "It's not my fault."
There was a pause and then India muttered, "Sorry."
"Fine," said Lydia and she walked in front of her, making India feel even worse. The rest of the day was terrible too, as was the next, and by Tuesday night all India could do was console herself that at least Wednesday was the last day. She and Lydia had made up, at least, but a small part of India wished that they hadn't as Lydia kept asking her over and over about how she was feeling, and it was all India could do not to tell her to shut up, but instead she bit her tongue and gave the stock answer of fine every time, the day made worse by constantly seeing Jamie and Stephanie sitting together and holding hands or kissing, looking nauseatingly happy. India wanted to throw something at them. Even if she had wanted to, she couldn't get Jamie alone for a moment to tell him about what had happened as he and Stephanie looked as though they were stuck together with glue, and then Lydia started telling her about a new boy who had just started at the school and whose number she had already got. It seemed that happy new couples were springing up everywhere.
"I told him he could call me about study or whatever," said Lydia smugly. "But he's already texted me to just say hi."
"That's great," said India automatically and Lydia suddenly asked, "You're really not going to talk to Elliot again before he goes?"
"No," said India in a tight voice. "What would be the point?"
"You could say goodbye to him?"
"He said it well enough when he broke up with me," said India, flaring up, and for once Lydia changed the subject, but India still went home in a bad mood and it was not helped by her father sitting down on the sofa next to her when she got homeand turning the television off.
"I was watching that!"
"No, you weren't," said Declan and India did not contradict him. "India, please talk to me."
"What about?"
"You know what about."
"It's private!"
"I'm not asking for detail," said Declan quickly. "And I don't want you to say anything you don't want to, but I'm worried about you."
"You shouldn't be. I'm fine."
"India, you haven't been yourself these past few days."
"Sorry I'm not on top of the world," snapped India. "I want to figure it out in my own head!"
"India, I'm not asking you to be happy. I'm asking you to stop bottling it up. If you don't want to talk to me you should talk to someone else. And I really think you should talk to Elliot," Declan said in a rush before he lost his courage, but that was it for India. She couldn't take it anymore and stood up.
"Why should I talk to him?" she snapped. "What should I say? Should I lie? Say, Elliot, I understand and hope you enjoy art school? Because I don't understand and I hope he hates it!"
"India!"
"And I'm so sick of everyone acting like I'm the one being unreasonable!" India shouted. "Like I'm the one who ended it! I'm not! I wasn't! I'm not the one who gave up on it all, I'm not the one who didn't even talk about what would happen if an art school did, I'm not the one who broke his heart! So I'm sorry if I don't want to talk to him! I'm sorry if I don't want to talk about it!"
"Indy!" said Declan, sounding concerned, but India ignored him and carried on.
"I would have tried. I would have given it a shot instead of just automatically deciding that it wouldn't work and then telling him that. I don't want to talk about it but I know what I'm meant to say. I'm meant to say that I've never felt so sad before but one day I'll understand and I wish him well. Well, that's a lie. I wish I'd never met him, I hate him and I hope someone rips his heart out too. There? Is that better? And everyone's acting like I should go and talk to him because it's what he wants," India continued, no longer caring that her voice was wobbling and that some tears were falling down her cheeks. "Well, I don't care what he wants. It's his problem because he's the one who ended it. And I did things he wanted, over and over, and I got in fights with you and with Grandma and with Jamie and Maddie and for what? For him to take me to a park and dump me! He's the one who was selfish, not me, and I'm sick of everyone taking his side over it! Why can't everyone just leave me alone!"
India took a deep breath and burst into tears.
"Indy, come here," said Declan, trying to put his arms around her, but India pushed him away. Eventually though, she sat back down on the sofa and Declan tentatively put an arm around her and this time India didn't fight him off. It was almost a relief to see her cry.
"Darling, I'm not taking his side," he said gently. "I'm not taking anyone's side. The reason I want you to talk to him is because it will help you, not because it will help him."
"It won't help me!" sobbed India. "It will just make me feel worse! And I wouldn't even know what to say!"
"I think it would still help."
"Why aren't you angry?" demanded India, lifting her tear-streaked face. "I thought at least someone would be angry as well and I thought it would be you, but you're taking his side!"
"India, I am not taking his side!" exclaimed Declan. "And I am angry that you are hurt and I hate seeing you this way, but I don't want to be angry about it just because you are. You're not going to like me saying this, but I can understand why he's ended it."
Declan was right about that.
"What?" exclaimed India. "You're happy that he's gone and ended it?"
"No, I'm not happy," said Declan patiently. "I just think that he is doing the best thing in the long run. How many times would you be able to see him next year, hell, in the next few years?"
"We could have made it work," said India stubbornly. "Anyway, he should have talked about it with me."
"Yes," agreed Declan. "He should have done. I'm with you on that, about talking it through at least. India, you're not going to like hearing this either, but one day you won't feel this angry. One day you won't think that you hate him anymore and one day you will want to talk to him."
"No, I won't," said India stubbornly and Declan looked sad. "And I do hate him."
"No, you don't. I know you don't. You just think that you do because being angry and saying that you hate him is easier and is making you feel better, for now anyway."
"That's another thing!" exclaimed India. "Everyone acting like I shouldn't be mad!"
"Indy, you've got every right to be angry, just don't let it blind you. I've made that mistake too many times."
India was silent and Declan ventured, "One day you'll understand why he's split up with you and one day you'll know that is was the right thing for him to do."
India lost her calm again.
"Well, it's not now!" she cried. "And I don't know when I'll feel that way, or if I'll ever feel that way. Maybe I never will! I don't care! I never want to talk to him again and I just wish someone would listen! Mum would! She would understand!"
"India!" Declan exclaimed, feeling hurt, but she pushed herself off the sofa and ran into her room, sobbing and Declan sighed, wishing that he had left off the last part. He couldn't help but agree with India: he didn't know when she would stop feeling so angry either, but he did know that she would, one day, whenever that would be. He agreed with India on something else as well.
"You would know what to say," he told Bridget's picture, which smiled back at him happily, as she always did. Declan debated going into his daughter's room but decided to let her be and instead switched on the television for the dramas of other people's lives to keep him company instead, wishing that someone could resolve their drama too.
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Post by sophie on Jul 5, 2011 10:43:45 GMT
Wednesday was the hottest day of the year. India woke up sweltering; it was only half past seven and she could already tell that the temperature was in the thirties. “Hey,” said Declan fondly as India walked into the kitchen and India replied, “Hey,” in a small voice. She felt a little stupid after last night.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” said India, though she didn’t really feel it. “Dad, I’m sorry I-“
“Forget it,” brushed off Declan. “It’s better to get it off your chest. Are you looking forward to your last day of school?”
“Not really,” said India, shrugging. “It’s only the end of term.”
“Yeah, but it’s a whole summer!”
Declan wished that he hadn’t said it the minute he had finished saying the words. India looked sad and he remembered too clearly that her summer was going to look a lot more lonely than it had just last week.
“Indy, I –“
“It’s fine,” said India, her turn to brush off his apology. “Really. I don’t need a boyfriend to enjoy summer. I don’t need a boyfriend at all.”
“No,” agreed Declan. “No, you don’t. But I didn’t mean –“
“Dad, I have to go,” said India, getting up and taking away the breakfast things. “I’ll be late.”
“Have a good day then,” said Declan, kissing her on the cheek but getting half of India’s hair as he did so. “Are you going to the party on the field?”
That was an angle India hadn’t thought about and she couldn’t help freezing slightly. It was after the party on the field that she had taken Elliot home for the first time and Dad had found them and got so angry. In some ways it felt like years ago and in others it felt like only the other day.
“No,” she said, picking her bag up and slinging it over her shoulder. “I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet. I’ll probably just come home.”
“Okay. Well, it’s no big deal. I just wanted to know about lunch.”
“I can make some when I get in.”
“I’ll put it in the fridge for you. Have a good day. Love you,” Declan added and India smiled and said, “Love you too, Dad,” before waving and hurrying out and Declan waved after her, hoping that she would be okay.
The heat intensified as India walked to school, already feeling about ten degrees hotter, and she felt sweat pour down her arms and legs and neck, making her wonder about what it would be like at midday. The hours at school were spent with teenagers fanning themselves with their paper, the teachers themselves too hot to do anything more than protest half-heartedly, “Guys, back to work,” whilst fanning themselves with their worksheets. Everyone was relieved when it was midday and school was over for a whole two months, but all India could think about was the huge glass of water she would have when got home, with lots of icecubes in it. She could see it already and it made her thirst intensify.
“Indy?”
India jumped, not realising anyone was there, and then saw to her surprise that it was Jamie.
“Yeah?” she asked. It was awkward and polite.
“Are you coming to the field?”
“I don’t know...” dithered India. “I thought I might just head back, to be honest.”
“Okay then,” said Jamie, but as she turned away he shook his head and said, “Oh, come on. Don’t be boring.”
“Boring!” exclaimed India. “I’m hot!”
“Then I’ll lend you my bottle of water. Come on.”
India smiled nervously and they walked together to the field where students had already congregated with several bottles of drinks and snacks, grouped together on various blankets. Jamie and India sat apart under a tree.
“So where’s Lydia then?”
“She’s gone on a date,” said India in disgust. “With the new boy.”
“Marco? Wow, you sound thrilled for her,” said Jamie sarcastically and India shrugged irritably, before shooting back, “So where’s Stephanie then, for that matter? Isn’t she your personal attachment?”
“Stephanie has a hairdresser’s appointment,” said Jamie irritably. “And then a nail appointment. I don’t know long it can take to wash some hair and paint some nails but I can’t see her until three.”
“You sound so thrilled for her,” echoed India and Jamie looked annoyed for a moment, but then they both laughed.
“Yeah, well, I just don’t understand why she has to put so much effort into looking good. It’s not like she needs it.”
“Yeah,” said India, looking down and playing with some grass, not knowing why that annoyed her.
“Where’s Elliot then?” asked Jamie teasingly. “If we’re on the subject of boyfriends – well, not for me, but you know what I mean. The general subject. We’ve been talking for five minutes and you haven’t even said his name, that has to be a first. Indy? Indy, what’s wrong?”
India’s face had frozen and she couldn’t look at him as she said, “We split up.”
“Oh, Indy,” said Jamie, sounding shocked. “I’m sorry. God, I’m an idiot.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
“I still feel like a moron and it’s not okay, I didn’t know.”
“It was only the other day.”
“Yeah, but we used to tell each other everything.”
“Yes, we used to,” emphasised India and there was an awkward silence.
“Why did that change?” asked Jamie eventually. “Why did we even fight in the first place?”
“I don’t know. I can’t even think.”
“It was such a dumb fight,” said Jamie, sounding embarrassed. “And I was such a moron.”
“I was a moron,” sniffled India. “I was being childish. I started being stupid about Stephanie – what’s that word for it? Facetious. That was what I was being.”
“I was worse,” said Jamie with feeling. “I called you a bitch and then I wouldn’t accept your apology when I should have apologised too. That’s being childish.” “We were both being childish,” admitted India. “We were both being stupid, and isn’t that how we became friends in the first place? You kicked me on the first day of Kindergarten.”
“You kicked me first.”
“I did not!” exclaimed India.
“Did.”
“Did not.”
“Did.”
“Did not – oh, this is dumb,” said India, finally laughing. “It doesn’t matter.”
“No.”
“You still kicked me first though,” said India wickedly and he shouted and pretended to kick her for real, before India pushed him away, laughing.
“So are you okay?” asked Jamie when they had both recovered and India felt sober again.
“No,” she said honestly. “No, I am not okay. And I’m tired of having to say that I am. I’m so mad at him, I’m so mad at everything.”
Jamie looked at her and India felt a tremendous sense of relief. Jamie was the only person she could rant about things too without being nagged for detail by Lydia, or asked for the full story by her father, or given a lecture. He just listened.
“Why did you split up?”
“He’s going to New South Wales,” said India tightly. It still hurt to say it. “He’s going to an art school.”
“So he’s just ditched you?” exclaimed Jamie. “Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“He didn’t deserve you anyway,” said Jamie angrily. “If he’d wanted to stay with you so much he’d have tried.”
India felt odd. Finally someone was angry with her, finally someone was agreeing, but it didn’t feel as good as she thought it would have done. It felt somehow sad.
“Everyone is just telling me to understand,” said India, pulling some grass up again. “And Dad is being so annoyingly calm about it all. I hate it. You know, my whole life he’s been such a paranoid and he pretty much said I could go out with Elliot over his dead body when I first met him, and now he’s being all reasonable and not getting angry because I am.”
“Your dad is relaxed about boys?” asked Jamie incredulously. “Wow. Time to buy that lottery ticket.”
India gave him a small shove.
“It’s only Elliot. I think he’s making an exception and it’s right at the wrong time. I want him to hate him too.”
“You hate him?”
“Yes,” said India defiantly, but she didn't feel quite as sure as she had. “I’m mad, anyway.”
Jamie didn’t say anything and India added, “And they all want to me to talk to him before he leaves, including Dad, but I don’t want to. None of them can see that.”
“When does he leave?”
“This week.”
Jamie let out a whistle between his teeth.
“That sucks,” he said, putting his arm around her. “I’m sorry.”
"Thanks," India sniffled and Jamie hesitantly said, "And I'm not going to pretend that I liked him or anything-"
"Oh, really?" asked India sarcastically, and Jamie pushed her slightly.
"Would you let me finish? I didn't like him much but I am sorry he's going and hurt you."
“Me too,” said India tearfully and then Jamie pulled her into a full hug and they sat like that for a while, under the tree.
“Let’s never fight again,” said India through her tears. “I hated it.”
“Me too,” said Jamie in a muffled voice. “It sucked.”
“So we’re friends?”
“We’re friends. I’m sorry I called you a bitch and I never will again.”
India was silent but she smiled until Jamie added, “But I will tell you to stop snotting on my shoulder!”
“Well, the emotional moment’s over!” said India sarcastically, but she couldn’t help laughing a little too, before reaching into her bag for a tissue and blowing her nose.
“There. Better?”
“Great.”
“You still owe me that bottle of water,” remembered India, grabbing it and gulping some, Jamie groaning, “Ah, you’ve backwashed! Now I can’t drink any!”
“It’s just spit,” shrugged India. “It’s like kissing, really, and you’ve kissed me before.”
Jamie blushed for a moment but then said wickedly, “You won’t mind if I spit into your bottle then,” trying to grab her bottle which had held her water, and India shouted and hit him, but felt better than she had in days.
“I think we’re back to normal,” said India, as they finally got up to go.
“I reckon,” agreed Jamie. “Hey, I’ll see you around?”
“You know it,” agreed India, and they smiled, slightly shyly, before turning in opposite directions to walk home.
As India approached her street she saw a small figure and on closer inspection she saw it was Sarah, looking unsure on the side of the road.
“Hey,” said India. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah...”
“How come you’re out here on the street? Are you waiting for someone?”
“There’s a pool party,” announced Sarah, and India noticed the bag in her hand. “The whole class is going but I don’t know if Theo’s going. I thought I’d wait.”
“After your party?” India exclaimed, before she could stop herself, and Sarah’s face fell. “Sorry,” she added guiltily. “Sorry I got him to come.”
“I still like him,” said Sarah dreamily. “I think we’re meant to be.”
India couldn’t help feeling cynical and sensitive to the topic of romance, even involving eleven-year-olds.
“Sarah, boys aren’t worth it,” she said, feeling frustrated. “Even if you went out with Theo he’d probably break your heart. Take it from me. Just go to your pool party and have fun – besides, you’re only eleven!”
“But I like him,” said Sarah, sniffling slightly, and India felt slightly bad.
“Why don’t you go?” she asked. “If he wants to come he’ll come.”
“But he never talks to me now!” wailed Sarah.
“Waiting for him out here won’t change it. Go on, have fun. If it’s really meant to be it’ll be happen anyway,” added India, feeling a little silly, but it worked as Sarah finally nodded and trudged away, her swimming bag swinging at her side. India watched her for a while before walking back to her own house, wishing she was going to a pool party too as it was so hot, and opening the door in relief.
“Hey!” she called, and felt something with her foot as she stepped inside.
“Hey!” Declan called back, but India’s attention was taken as she looked down and saw something folded, which she picked up, revealing itself to be an envelope with just her name India written on it in pencil.
“How was school?” asked Declan, as she walked through with it in her hand. “You went to the party then?”
India nodded silently.
“Your lunch is in the fridge. I didn’t know if you wanted salad or not but I put it in anyway, so sorry if you don’t. What’s that you’ve got there?”
“Has someone been here?”
“No,” said Declan, frowning. “I didn’t even hear the letter box go. Why?”
“I’ve got a note from Elliot,” said India dully. She didn't need to open it to know it was from him.
“What?” exclaimed Declan. “Saying what?”
In answer India went into her room and shut the door, the envelope clenched in her hand. Part of her wanted to rip it into pieces but curiosity took hold and India opened it wit trembling fingers. It read:
Indy, I know you hate me and I don’t blame you, but please let me talk to you. You can still hate me, I just want to say goodbye and I won’t bear it if I go to NSW without seeing your face one last time. I leave in two days. Please meet me in the park at midnight, on the middle bench. I love you, Elliot
India read it another three times before mashing it into a ball in her hands and throwing it with force across the room. It missed the bin but India didn’t bother to go and pick it up. Somehow she couldn't bring herself to. Instead she got up with trembling legs and composed herself before walking back out.
“Sweetheart? What is it?”
“He wants me to meet him,” said India calmly, getting a glass and finally pouring out her longed-for glass of water, complete with four icecubes. “Tonight.”
“I’d ask if you were going,” said Declan. “But I think we both know the answer to that.”
India gave him a look and sipped her water.
“He wants to meet really late anyway.”
“Maybe you’ll change your mind tomorrow,” suggested Declan but India didn’t answer and Declan wasn’t surprised. Instead, she watched some television, changed, ate dinner and then suddenly got a headache and went to lie down.
“It’s the heat,” sighed Declan, looking out of the window. The sky had gone crimson. “Do you want a pain killer?”
“I’m fine,” said India, and got a cool cloth from the bathroom before lying down on her bed with it on her forehead, soothing. India had a strange dream.
It was hot and the earth looked as though it was on fire, but the flames were an illusion. Everywhere there was the ticking of clocks, and India wandered, alone, wondering where everyone was, and saw a table set for tea with no one sitting at it. She came up to a grandfather clock and saw that it was after one, and then she remembered the terrible thing.
“Elliot!” she exclaimed. “Where’s Elliot?”
“You’ve left it too long,” said a chorus of voices, and India whirled around to see everyone: her father, her grandmother, Miranda and Steve, Riley and Marie, Lydia, Jamie, but – “Elliot!” cried India. “Where’s Elliot!”
“He’s gone,” everyone chorused and India beat the face of the clock, crying, sobbing, “No, no!” but then everything was fading, it wasn’t on fire anymore and the clock did not feel solid and then India woke up to find herself beating the side of her bed, the cloth having slipped over her eyes. Everywhere was dark. She brushed it off impatiently and then looked at the clock: five to twelve. India’s heart sank and then beat in her chest as without thinking, without debating it, she climbed out of her window as quickly as she could and ran into the night.
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Post by sophie on Aug 6, 2011 19:12:42 GMT
The night was as hot as the day had been, the sky still dusky and close. There was a blood moon. India barely noticed it however, as she ran, only wondering briefly it that was supposed to mean something and if it was good or not. She hoped it was the former.
The streets and roads were deserted and India couldn't even hear the faint music from student parties, or the chatter of neighbours staying up. It was as if the world was holding its breath. Past all the houses, past the high street, and there she was: the park and India took a deep breath as she got through the gate. Please don't have gone yet, please don't have gone yet...
The park for a moment looked deserted and India almost stopped, ready to cry, but then she saw a figure standing up, loitering near the benches, and India sprinted towards it, gasping, with a stitch in her side.
"Indy!" Elliot exclaimed, whirling round. "You came!"
"You said the middle bench!" gasped India, trying not to wheeze. "I couldn't see you!"
"I waited. I sat there for ages and I was just giving up. I thought you weren't coming."
India looked away for a moment.
"I wasn't going to."
"I didn't think you would."
"Look, let's sit down," said India, after an awkward pause. "I have to get my breath back. I ran all the way."
"I'm glad you came," he said gently when they had both sat and India wanted to feel angry, but she could only shrug. "You got the note then?"
"Of course I did, why would I be here otherwise?"
"I guess it was a dumb question," admitted Elliot. "I thought you might not have got it somehow."
"If you were worried about that you could have texted me."
"A note's more special and I thought you might want to rip it up. I was worried that you would without reading it."
"I nearly did," said India again, looking straight ahead. It felt too painful to look at him.
"Are you angry with me?"
"Yes!" exclaimed India, recovering her breath and turning to face him. "Yes, I'm angry!"
"Why?" asked Elliot and India nearly screamed at him, "How can you ask that? Why do you think? I went out with you for months, I slept with you, I got my dad to like you and he hates older boys, I gave everything to you and then you just took me here and dumped me like it was all nothing!"
"It wasn't nothing!" yelled Elliot and they both glared at each other for a moment until India snapped, "It felt like nothing."
"But can't you understand?" pleaded Elliot. "I know it sucks, but I thought it would be worst if we left it longer."
"That's it!" exclaimed India furiously, standing up again. "That's it exactly! Like we have to split up!"
"We do have to!" retorted Elliot, standing up as well and taking her hands. "I don't want to break up with you –"
"Don't then!"
"Indy, if we stay together we'll resent each other."
"What?" asked India, too surprised to feel angry, and Elliot elaborated, "It'd work at first, maybe, but not forever. We'd hardly ever be able to see each other – it's not as if either of us could afford to go and see each other every weekend, and even if we could, I still don't think it would work out."
"Why not?" asked India in a wobbly voice and he looked sad.
"I'm starting university. You're seventeen. Our lives will be totally different – I'm going to be living by myself, going to art school every day, meeting new people and doing new things, and the whole time I would be thinking about you."
"So I would ruin it, you mean?" asked India angrily.
"No!" Elliot exclaimed. "That's not what I meant! Listen: the whole time I would feel sad because you wouldn't be there, and you would be sad too because you'd be counting down the days until we could see each other. I'd do the same, and then, when we did see each other, it wouldn't be long enough, it could never feel long enough, and then we'd feel sad about that and then maybe we would want to do other things when we were supposed to see each other, and then we could end up resenting each other. It would feel like we were restricting each other."
"I could never feel that about you," said India in a choked voice. "When I'm with you it feels like I'm more than I was...you make me feel like a woman."
"You are a woman, you don't need me."
"I need you for other stuff!" sobbed India. "I couldn't resent you if you went away!"
"Indy, I've known so many people who try a long distance relationship and they all say the same thing: the whole time they thought about the other person so they felt miserable and then when they didn't they felt guilty, and then they felt like they were trapped. It never ended well for any of them."
"But we love each other," said India stubbornly. "If you love someone that shouldn't matter."
"They loved each other too," said Elliot sadly. "And I don't ever want to feel that about you."
India fell silent but started silently crying. Elliot tried to raise his hand to wipe some of the tears away but India pushed him off, sobbing, and turned her back to him, shivering a little as the temperature had dropped.
"Do you hate me?" asked Elliot quietly and India spun round.
"I want to hate you," she said tearfully. "I even thought I did, but I can't, and that's what I hate. Hating you was so much easier."
"India, I don't want to do this."
"Don't do it then!" she cried. "Don't go – stay here."
"Oh Indy, don't do that."
"Why not?" asked India, but she already knew the answer.
"Because I have to," said Elliot simply. "This is my life. This is all I've ever wanted to go and that's another thing – if I stay here I will always think of that and I'll resent you for that too. I wouldn't want but I know I would and you would too."
"Why would I?"
"Because one day you might stop loving me," he said. "And you would feel like you couldn't tell me because I stayed behind for you."
"Don't say that!" cried India, and some lightning flashed in the sky, but they didn't notice. "Stop saying that we'll stop loving each other! How can you say that if you do love me?"
"It is because I love you!" shouted Elliot, over a sudden clap of thunder. "It's because I don't want you to feel tied to me!"
"So is that how you see love?" asked India tearfully. "As being tied to someone?"
"No, of course not, but I think that staying together now would be selfish of us and we could end up feeling that way."
"I won't stop loving you!" yelled India over another resounding clap. "I know I won't! But I know that when you'll go I'll always be thinking of you when you're off having fun and seeing other girls and –"
"Don't say that," said Elliot angrily, taking her hands again. "I'm not splitting up with you because I want to sleep around or something!"
"I didn't mean it like that!" said India in frustration. "But how can you be so sure that you will stop loving me and I'll stop loving you?"
"India," said Elliot. "I'll always love you in some way. But I can't go with you and you can't come with me. If we're meant to stay together being apart for a few years won't change that. We'll come back to each other."
"You sound like you believe in destiny," said India rudely. "You sound like Sarah!"
"Who's Sarah?"
"Oh, she's..." India didn't know what to say and felt irritated. "She's this girl who's in love with Theo, or she thinks she is. She's eleven and keeps talking about how they're meant to be. It's not important."
"I don't know if I believe in destiny," said Elliot, after an awkward pause. "But I do believe that if you meet the right person then it won't matter if you stay apart for a while."
"If two people are meant to be," said India through the rain that was beginning to fall. "Then why should staying together ruin them?"
"I don't know if it would," said Elliot. "But I don't want to find out the tough way. I never want to see you in a bad light because I love you."
India didn't know what to say and could only sob harder and harder, along with the rain that was beginning to pour. The air had suddenly gone freezing cold, lightning was flashing and thunder was sounding heavily, but for once it didn't scare her. What was happening now was more frightening than any of that.
"Please don't cry," said Elliot, wiping roughly at his own cheeks where a tear had fallen as well. "Please."
"I am!" sobbed India. "What did you expect me to do? Smile and go home? I love you!"
"I love you too," said Elliot and he held her, and India didn't fight him off and then hesitantly they began to kiss. They put their arms around each other, their bodies close and even though it was the saddest, most emotional night of her life and the storm had come India never wanted to let him go.
Suddenly an especially loud clap of thunder seemed to shake the earth and India and Elliot jumped.
"Come on," said Elliot, grabbing her hand. "It's not safe."
"I won't go," sobbed India. "I can't go home."
"We don't have to go home," said Elliot, and he started to run, India following him, unsure where he was going, and they ran straight through the middle of the park, the lightning illuminating the ground as they ran, towards the trees.
"Elliot, this isn't safe," India began to say when her boyfriend suddenly exclaimed, "Here!" and they moved into a clearing where a small building stood, away from the trees.
"What is this place?" asked India, when she had managed to get the door open and they stood inside, sheltered from the storm.
"It's a lodge for the groundskeeper," said Elliot. "But he's not here."
"Oh, really?!" exclaimed India sarcastically, but she smiled and let go of his hand, looking around. There was a chair and a desk, as well as an old bike leant up against the wall, a stove and some moth-eaten blankets in the corner.
"How did you find it?" asked India curiously and Elliot went red. "What?"
"I, um....I got in trouble with the groundskeeper."
"How?"
"We kept throwing our Frisbee near the pond" admitted Elliot sheepishly, "and then we tried to get it all the way across, and it landed in the middle, and I tried to reach it and I fell in."
India started laughing.
"The groundskeeper didn't find it funny," continued Elliot. "He went off his head at me about disturbing the natural wildlife and he made me go here to sign my name in a book."
India laughed even harder.
"When was this?"
"Years ago," said Elliot defensively. "When I was eleven...."
India gave him a look.
"Plus five years," he admitted and India started laughing again, and Elliot joined in as well, though he didn't want to and they stayed like that for a while, until their laughter died down to giggles.
"I don't want you to go," sniffled India, and the atmosphere was tense again. "I know you have to, but I still don't."
"I don't want to go either," admitted Elliot. "But I'm not going now."
"I have to go home though," said India, wiping furiously at her tears. "I can't stay here all night."
"I know – but just stay for now."
"Dad might see that I'm gone, I can't."
"Why would he notice now? Stay until the storm blows over," pleaded Elliot, taking her hands. "It's not safe. Please."
"I'll stay until it blows over some," agreed India. "But no longer."
Elliot picked up one of the blankets, shaking it out, and laid it on the floor and they sat down on it, holding hands as the storm raged above them.
"Don't go," begged India. "I know you have to, but –"
Elliot kissed her and then said, holding her hand, "I'm here."
They began to kiss again, hungrily, and as India held him it didn't feel as final. They wouldn't be separated, not tonight, they had now and everything outside was forgotten, even the furious storm, as they made love to each other, until finally they lay under the blanket and held hands again. India knew she had to go, but she couldn't ruin the moment yet, and for a moment she closed her eyes and then before she knew it she was asleep, still holding Elliot's hand, safe from the storm.
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